first a glimmer

Dreamboard for the Full Wolf Moon

2012-01-12T11:05:00.007-05:00

[click on image for a larger view]

When I look at my first dreamboard of 2012 I see that I am longing for something that is real and instinctive, something almost animal. There have been a lot of animals on my boards lately. Here they are: three "birds" (or winged creatures), two feathers, a snake, a fish, a mule. What do the animals mean to me? Birds are all about flight and freedom. The snake is low to the ground, some sort of instinctive fertility, perhaps about transformation since it sheds its skin. And the mule is about work.

There is an upward reach and a tree that grows out of the dancer's up-stretched palm. She is reaching and balancing. A ball, a sphere on her face and a tree in her hand. There is a yearning for upward growth, something that comes from listening to the heart and spending time within. This seems to be a time that I want to spend inside and taking care of thoughts and energies moving inside of me.

There are a lot of things I am hungry for at this time, and I love how this board is starting to make it clear to me. It seems this board is more about an internal process and less about putting something out there. Maybe that's just right for this month in the winter season. I am looking forward to what I can do to honor my desires.

A longing for flight and freedom, growing wings
Reaching upward and growing
Taking care of myself with meditation, writing, time in the studio
Feminine touches and beauty
Following instincts and animal nature as inspiration
Having quiet time, a place to retreat
Making art and being in the studio
Connection with the divine in nature's messages
Moving my body, dancing more

Honoring my desires, honoring myself. These are good words. It seems dangerous to not honor oneself, doesn't it? Satisfying hunger, well that has a different quality to it. Perhaps that is what happens when you let desire go unheeded for too long. You become very hungry. But that is also a message. You had better pay attention. Now.

Celebrating the intangible

2011-12-21T14:41:00.011-05:00

I just finished knitting a sweater for my boyfriend, and it gives me as much joy as it gives him. Each time he wears it I get to savor the feeling of achievement. It's the largest knitting project I've taken on so far: my first sweater, my first cable project, my first 2-way separating zipper. You can see more pictures of the sweater on my ravelry page.

And as I take time at the end of the year, looking back at the highlights, I notice that except for these end-of-year reviews I lose a lot of that delicious feeling of being done with something and gazing proudly at it. It's so different from my experience of knitting things and seeing them being worn. You see, as a performing artist, the work I do gets lost in time. There's all the work done in preparation, and I love that sense of anticipation and focused effort, but when the performance is over and the glow fades, so too does the memory of having done it. I'm off and rushing off to the next thing. Does this happen to you? Especially with creative endeavors where there is no physical "evidence"?

I don't often spend moments looking back at my achievements or celebrating them, and now I'm wondering if I can make the other creative processes more like knitting. In knitting, I get to see a piece gradually growing as I progress. So how could I apply this to learning a new piece of music, or trying to build a new technique on the violin? In knitting, I get to enjoy over and over again the feeling of "Yeah, I did that!" when I see a piece being worn. Could I maybe lengthen the afterglow by creating something tangible and visible to mark a performance or an achievement that would otherwise be lost to memory and time? Contemplation and journaling are great ways to put these on paper, but for me those pages also get lost in the shuffle. How can we enjoy more regularly what we "knit" into our creative lives?

Dream for the Full Cold Moon

2011-12-10T14:36:00.010-05:00

It seems I haven't been very active on my blog lately, and maybe it's because I've been so active in my creative life. Of the treasured moments to myself, I have enjoyed making dreamboards monthly with each full moon of the year. I missed the previous one, and the energy was pent up I suppose, because this month's dreamboard is crammed with images and lots of surprises. I feel it will take some time to learn what I need to from this board, but I want to make it a practice this month to gaze at it and discover what the dreamboard is inviting me to do or be right now.

December is often a really difficult month for me, as it contains in it so many energies. Being born in December I'm trying to celebrate my birthday while people are busy with the holidays, preparing for the holidays while looking back at my year for highlights and for unfinished business, looking forward to the new year -- all this swirl make for an unsettled kettle of emotions, happy, wistful, anxious, proud, hungry, nervous. I try to take things down a notch, and as the years go by I think I get a little better at it, but there's still that bubbling stuff just under the surface. Perhaps I just need to make peace with this, just as it is.

As I gaze at my board, I think it reflects this jumble of energies I experience in December. I long for a simple message I can latch onto, but it seems this is just not in the cards. So I'll have to learn to love the smorgasbord of offerings, often contrasting or clashing:

A longing for peace and rest
Busy-ness and stimulation
Animal instincts and animal wisdom
Nutritious food and sweet treats
Flowering and growth (my windowsill orchid is sending up a flower stalk right now!)
Magic and surprise

I'm thankful for having this regular process for tuning in to my dreams and desires and intuition. It has been so useful and nourishing to my spirit to have a way of checking in with inner messengers on a regular basis. How wonderful that it is tied to the moon's cycles as well. If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and even sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Take a look at what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here. Here's to celebrating 2011 and looking forward to what 2012 will bring! All the best to you and yours.

Dreamboard for the Full Corn Moon

2011-09-12T11:56:00.007-04:00

I had that familiar feeling while doing this dreamboard: "What are these images I'm cutting out? Nothing seems to be making any sense!" But because I've been through this experience a few times, I know that I can just move on and trust the process. And wow, what a process of discovery and self-reflection this practice continues to be. And now, I love my dreamboard for this Full Corn Moon. I'm continuing to explore and learn more about the images, and I love Jamie Ridler's suggestion to dialogue with the board, journaling to discover more meanings and symbols in the images on the board.

I'm intensely aware of making a leap, and that "works & process" and "ever after" remind me that the creative process constantly calls for us to make leaps. In certain ways, it can feel like being a beginner, a young one trusting to leap on rocky ground. Yet learning to be comfortable with this discomfort, this stretching for something not yet possible, is a vital part of being a creative soul. As creatives we are always looking to "expand our horizons."

I notice in this dreamboard a richness and depth in the colors, which I associate with royalty and maturity. "Dynamic works" and "You'll shimmer" say to me that being a confident artist also calls for an acknowledgement of what I already have in my bag of tricks. On my dreamboard there are some women who have achieved great things in their creative careers. Mature and in their prime they are doing great work, and have been for years. Meredith Monk and Vivienne Westwood have qualities I admire. They do not follow the crowd, they just do work that they believe in and their genius shines through. They are willing to push the edges, look at things in new ways. The torchbearer in my board powerfully raises her arm to throw light onto the stage, to help me see something.

My intention for this moon cycle: to approach my work as a confident and mature artist, a powerful woman.

I feel this dreamboard is really rich with messages for me as I move through the coming weeks and this new cultural season. I look forward to the discoveries and inspirations I'm sure this will spark.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and even sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Take a look at what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Dreamboard for the Full Sturgeon Moon

2011-09-01T22:38:00.009-04:00

I did this dreamboard at the full moon on August 13, but I haven't had a chance to post about it until now. Better late than never...

The first thing I noticed about this dreamboard is how colorful it is. There isn't a predominance of any color, and it's quite summery. There is a rainbow of possibilities here.

I'm looking forward to kicking back and enjoying the colors and tastes of the last days of summer. My dreamboard is saying I need to kick back and relax a bit.
Fitness is also a focus for the month. Getting lean and fit, especially for dance fitness, is important. I want to dance well again, and getting tough and fit will serve me well.
Plumbing the depths, of ancient ideas. Religions, pre-religions and history, will be a source of inspiration. They give me some food for thought.
I need to ask the stone faced, ancient messenger what message he has for me.
I want to spend some time in gardens. Nature offers her beauty and I want to stop to smell the roses.
I see both craft and un-craft. Assembling and disassembling.

Perhaps this board is expressing my desire to deconstruct what it means to perform. The guitar is smashed, the violin is whole, the artesan is focused on the task of aligning the coils, the woman is shining onstage. I want to conquer the world and take care of my body. I want to write. I want to be outdoors. I want to receive inspiration from nature.

There is coiling and uncoiling. There seems to be some sort of message about energy here. Strings make forms. Not just lines, but strong and useful forms.

My guide in this dreamboard could be the rock climber. She might offer wisdom about preparation and meeting challenges. She is looking upwards, always seeking to scale the next big challenge she has not met yet. I could ask my inner rock climber what she wants and needs today.

July dreamboard - Full Buck Moon

2011-07-19T21:29:00.007-04:00

Oh, things have been quite busy for me lately, so busy that I almost didn't do a dreamboard for this month. It just didn't feel right to do that, especially as I wanted to receive some messages from "the deep" in preparation for my trip to a collaborative music-making residency program. My compromise was to do a much smaller one, this one fitting across a couple of pages in my visual journal. I love having this visual journal which gives me the freedom to draw, paste pictures, scribble doodles, write any which way on the page. I'm enjoying not having lines to conform to.

What strikes me about this board is it has two prominent colors, oranges and blues. They have very contrasting energies: high and charged, cool and calm. The most mysterious images to me are the dress, the other-worldly Alexander McQueen outfit, and the whale shark. I have a feeling this is going to be quite a moon-th!

I'm planning to bring my visual journal with me, and its size and portability give me a way to spend time with my dreamboard even as I am away from home. As the weeks go by I'm hoping to learn from the messages in this board, and be inspired to step out and own that rock star energy. I admit I am a little afraid of that power, but perhaps the image of swimming with the huge shark is encouragement to face my fears, stay calm and enter the deep. I'll keep asking the shark what messages it has for me as the month unfolds.

June 2011 Dreamboard - Full Strawberry Moon

2011-06-15T17:21:00.006-04:00

Lots of delights are in my dreamboard for the Full Strawberry Moon: cool water, luscious fruit, bird messengers, the beach, travel, nature, air, lightness, lanterns and candles. I think my soul is asking for more space to enjoy the simple pleasures of life. I can be more like the dogs with their heads out of car windows, such simple joy! The words for this month: "Delightful ease."

While there are some elements that carry over from last month's dreamboard -- a showy bird and seashells, vases -- the energy is quite different. While last month's was crackling with energy, this dreamboard has a sunny easiness that is perfectly in tune with summer's vibe. I've been working a lot lately, and it seems like I need a vacation, or at least some replenishing downtime.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Take a look at what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

May Dreamboard - Full Flower Moon

2011-05-18T12:12:00.009-04:00

The first thing that strikes me is the symbol for 'real' and the breaking of bricks, the martial arts, power. It is a very masculine image and full of strong energy. Right by it is the peacock, confidently strutting his stuff. All this "starts with a single step." Full of dynamism, this month's board has touches of red all over it, with "just done it," and all the corners have some red. The coral may represent treasures from the deep. The airborne dancers are saying something about my ability or desire to soar, and the woman with the megaphone is nearby, declaring "this is the music." But also, there are a few touches of more quiet and feminine energy. The flowers, the vase with marbles, the woman in a dress of the fifties, the bell jars protecting plants and specimens.

I am desperate to create this month. I can see it in the dynamic red-haired girls, in the multiplied violins, in the megaphone. Perhaps even loops and duplications are called for, at least that's what I initially thought when I saw the layered violins of different colors. "Just do it" and "just love it" are the two things that need to happen with my art right now. I know that I am capable, I just need to do it. Perhaps the martial arts master is saying, you must focus your power. He says that it takes discipline, and that you must believe you can do it. I am ready to create and to learn to trust myself and my own power.

What does it mean to be powerful? What does it mean to be full of vitality and inner confidence? Vitality: the moment is full of life. There is movement and not stuckness. There is boldness of action. There is presence in the moment. There is a certain fullness of being that celebrates the power of the moment. Confidence: I am full of trust in myself. I know that I can do what I set out to do.

I am really looking forward to discovering what else this board has to say to me this month.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Take a look at what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

A week of morning pages

2011-05-14T11:34:00.006-04:00

What does a week's worth of morning pages look like as a word cloud? I had some fun with Wordle, which created this for me. It's fun to see what words are emphasized, and I might do this each week, as a fun way to glance at the themes emerging each week.

April Dreamboard for the Full Pink Moon

2011-04-27T16:51:00.004-04:00

The birds have been pecking at what's left of last summer's basil plant. Pulling at the dried leaves and stripping bits of stem to line or construct their nests. Their little bodies jump into the pot and beaks pull at the bits left. Maybe the chive plant did not lose its dried leaves to a strong wind after all. I imagine how the little birds just plucked them cleanly off, as if a pair of scissors had given the chive plant a haircut.

I love thinking about how our windowsill has become a bit of a natural world, in this clattering city. The birds are frightened when I come to the window, but if I stay back and move very slowly, they are so absorbed in their work.

The tree that was stripped of bark seems to be coming back somewhat. I don't know how strong it will be, or if the stripping has now hardened enough so that there won't be that much loss of moisture. It was hard to see that happen, and it made me so angry last summer.

I've been directing a lot of disappointment at myself lately. But I realize that so much of this is a kind of mental noise. Not helpful. How do I turn it off? I look at the dreamboard for the Full Pink Moon, and one of the most prominent images is that wooly brain. I've had knitting on my mind, as I've suffered a couple of weeks with no knitting project in progress. Perhaps that's part of the message. But also, I felt that this airy, wooly brain was a message that I need to see beyond it, I need to escape the tyranny. It's not so scary as it wants me to believe. I know that nature helps, I know that adventure helps, I know that going to quiet inspiration helps. Maybe even the two go together. I can find my peace by knitting. Perhaps even knitting to music can be helpful. I can study music and get the overall flow of the Brahms by listening to it over and over, and knitting knitting knitting.

I've been in a dark place about my own playing lately. I feel I suck. I feel that I am not playing what I want to be playing. But perhaps that is the message and the challenge. The next challenge could be to find a place, discomfort allowed, that I am pushing toward something I can't quite do yet, and I am also at peace with myself and where I am at the moment. It is kind of like the Kenny Werner book. I can't even remember the title, but I remember that idea of "fear-based" practicing, playing, composing. I have a need to move beyond that. If I don't loathe and fear myself, perhaps I can just accept and love what beauty issues from my mind and my instrument. I am a beautiful musician too. There is no need for me to be stuck in a place of hating my own sound. I know it's not helpful. I've been doing a lot of recording lately, and it feels really disappointing to feel that my best stuff is not getting down on tape. But what does this really mean? If I can get to my 80% place on tape consistently, that is pretty good. I know there's internal work to do.

I feel I am okay, but I want to be great. I want to be able to achieve these wonderful phrases and jazzy sounds, and classical-like sound and expression, and folky expression. It takes a lot of work and a lot of internal wisdom and patience. How do I get there? What can I do to help myself reach this place? Perhaps my dreamboard can show me the answers as I'm ready to see them.

Lace and space

2011-04-16T10:04:00.007-04:00

I'm getting increasingly ambitious with my knitting projects. While I don't have pictures of them, I knit a handful of washcloths and a couple of scarves for others this winter. It was time to knit something for myself and I recently finished this pair of knit lace fingerless gloves. I'm in the midst of knitting withdrawal, as there are no projects in progress.

We'll have to fix that soon, but that means I have to decide what the next project will be and buy the yarn for it. I'm feeling the days and weeks creeping by, days with no knitting to turn to when I simply want to breathe and do something soothing, something easy on my otherwise too-busy brain. Deciding on the next creative project is a difficult thing for me, not only in knitting but anything else. I want to pick the "right" thing, and I start getting impatient with myself as I flutter from one idea to the next. It's frustrated that when I'm in the mood to knit, I've got nowhere to turn. I'm happiest when I'm in the middle of a project, or maybe even nearing the end. The completion of a project is bittersweet for me. Celebrating releasing something new out into the world is all too quickly followed by a sense of blankness.

Maybe space makes me a little uncomfortable. But maybe that's a good thing too? Or perhaps not good or bad, but useful. Maybe today it can remind me that I have this creative discomfort, and this impulse is only part of the process, the CYCLE.

Dreamboard for the Full Snow Moon

2011-02-18T11:30:00.006-05:00

Although we've had plenty of snow this winter, this week is offering almost spring-like weather and my board seems to reflect this energy.

I'm looking forward to spending some time asking this board some questions. It's the second time this year that a question (mark) has been central to my dreamboard. I guess I'm in a period of transition and questions, but something is on the horizon (the "turning pointe"?). Yellow is also showing up, a color I associate with sunny optimism, lifting spirits, turning lemons into lemonade, and the woman in the yellow dress is drinking in that inspiration.

There is a lot of mystery in this board, things turned upside down, eyes in shadow, ancient structures. I think my dreamboard is asking me to be comfortable in not knowing -- that the mystery and paradoxes are not to be answered right away, and that the process of active searching and puzzling over the unknown can be creative inspiration too. As archetypes I can look to for guidance, there are many possibilities in this dreamboard. They all stir up ambivalent feelings in me, but perhaps this is the point: to lean into the appeal and discomfort that appear simultaneously in these images and personalities.

The big gooey question mark gives me plenty to ponder during this moon cycle...

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online or try A Year of Dreams. Take a look at what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Dreamboard for the Full Wolf Moon

2011-01-18T23:49:00.012-05:00

As I pulled images from magazines for this dreamboard, I felt uninspired and concerned at how I might not like this one. It's not the first time this has happened, so I was again relieved and delighted at how this board came together. There are a few more mysteries in here, waiting to be contemplated and discovered, but so far this is what I feel this board is expressing:

Paying attention to the flowering of beauty all around me
Joyful dancing and moving from the core of myself
Radiating outwards boldly and luminously
Receiving inspiration
Celebrating transformation
Embracing what is
Expressing artistically my own story, my own angle
Tuning in to what and who I love
Entering and being inspired by sacred places, in nature or made by humans
The beauty and energy of circles
Sparkly, joyful abundance
Resting in comfort and beautiful surroundings
Being able to wear lovely, impractical shoes

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online or try A Year of Dreams. Take a look at what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Dreamboard for the Full Cold Moon

2010-12-24T00:07:00.003-05:00

(click on image for larger view)

For this special full moon, complete with lunar eclipse and occurring on the winter solstice, I decided I would spend some extra time, go deeper, and create a Soul Reflections board by following along with Jamie Ridler's Soul Reflections Home Edition workshop in a box.

It's the second time I've created a board this way, and each time I look at this board I'm seeing different things in it. As I started creating the board I was concerned it was going to turn out an ugly, confused mess. However, as I pasted images down it felt better and better, and now I love it.

This board celebrates the feminine. Even the "tough" elements are "tough-glam" with sparkle and flair. It seems the board is telling me to pay attention to feeding my soul with beauty, pampering, rest, yummy things, nurturing environments. Flowers and butterflies symbolize the unfolding and transforming journey I'm on. I feel a lot of power when I look at this board, and I'm looking forward to discovering more of its messages.

Enjoy your holidays, with peace and joy!

Embracing what is

2010-12-03T15:02:00.013-05:00

I haven't been posting to this blog lately, and it's because I've been overwhelmed by unexpected events. In mid-October, after a bout of recurring knee problems, I was shocked to find that the MRI results showed my ACL was completely torn. Cutting (haha) a long story short, this Monday I had knee surgery to reconstruct the ACL, as well as address the other problems with the menisci and cartilage. What I've experienced so far has been a journey in five days that may preview the challenges I'll be facing during the approximately six month long rehab period. It'll be months before I can dance in my red tango shoes again.

This morning I had a moment of frustration. It was brought on by the strain of having everything so newly difficult that once was so easy. Putting a sock on a straight-braced leg requires another person's help. Picking up something that's' more that two feet away on the floor takes a series of steps where it once was an easy reach and swipe. I looked at pictures from earlier this year, and saw myself in vibrant health and happiness, and it was difficult accept that I won't be in that state for a number of months yet. Lots of "glass half empty" thoughts.

And then, in tears this morning, I saw that the source of my pain was that rift, that gulf between my expectations and my reality. For this journey, for my own sanity, I need to come to terms with patience and with myself exactly as I am now. It requires that I kindly acknowledge my body has been through a significant procedure, and it needs care and time to heal. I want to pop up whole and completely healed, but that is not what is. I've talked to plenty of people about what to expect, doing my research before the surgery. Without exception, they all mentioned what a challenging personal growth lesson the rehab brought, with its slow, deliberate, pace. I can hardly believe that at five days into the process I already feel this impatience. I mean, really!

The week has been emotionally difficult at times, and simply physically exhausting at others, but there have been bright moments.

I'm grateful for my wonderful guy, who has been encouraging and supportive at every step, such as the excruciating slow and painful "walk" up to our apartment coming home from surgery.

I'm grateful I live on the 2nd floor of this building, not the 5th, as the elderly woman with a walker does.

I'm grateful for a skilled and kind surgeon, a great hospital nearby, and wonderfully helpful and caring staff at the hospital.

I'm grateful for the thorough, well-trained, and empathetic person who is my physical therapist.

I'm grateful for simple and effective, frozen H2O. Ice... ah, it is the ingredient I've found works best for controlling the swelling and pain.

Comfort food and time

2010-10-29T15:26:00.009-04:00

What's comfort to me? Like lots of other people, I'm sure, comfort partly means food. When I'm feeling I need some TLC the food group at the top of the list is rice. Rice in many forms: mushroom risotto, congee with pork and thousand year egg, arroz con pollo, rice pudding. Second on the list? Chicken soup. I'm happy to enjoy the chicken soups of many cultures: my mom's Chinese herbal chicken soup, Salvadoran chicken soup with huge chunks of vegetables and fresh lime to squeeze over the fragrant broth, good old Jewish deli style chicken soup.

And the simplest, but also hardest, comfort to me? Time off. I've been working hard the past couple of weeks, and the greatest relief and comfort have come from those things I do with "time off." That's a funny phrase. It sounds like we can turn time off. Or that we can turn ourselves on and off. With pressures mounting I made sure to listen to the little voice inside, crying out for some time on the couch watching Dancing With the Stars, with my knitting in my lap. Resting. Without that I don't know how I would have had found energy for the next demanding day.

I'll have more time to stretch out in comfort this weekend, and here's what I might do with it:

Take a walk and see the changing colors on autumn leaves
Bake a fresh loaf of bread
Sing an improvisation
Dance in the living room
Take a nap

I'm looking forward to surrounding myself with comfort. Enjoy what brings you happiness and join in the fun at The Happy Book book blogging group.

Dreamboard for the Full Harvest Moon

2010-10-23T10:48:00.007-04:00

It's been a really intense period lately and I've been feeling it all in my knotted stomach and achy shoulders, neck, head. In one day, 10 days ago, I learned I need to have knee surgery and I arranged an interview with a freelance assignment. I have been a ball of stress lately, and I've been pulling out anything from the tool bag to try and help myself, hoping for quick relief. Almost nothing seemed to help, but I have to admit a couple of things did make me forget about my pain for a moment.

I performed with Mark Lamb Dance last Saturday, in the full storm of intense stress. I arrived at the venue exhausted, but by the end of the evening I was feeling energized by the inspiration and artistry all around me. Performing improv forces me to be completely in the moment -- and that means temporary relief from my worries about health or work. But it also gives me another perspective: there is more to me than whatever I am experiencing at the moment. I know these troubles will eventually be worked through, because I am committed to taking action. But also I am reminded that my soul needs dance and play and art. When I pay attention to what my soul needs, I'm able to jump, soar, transform, and kick ass. Red is such an important part of this board, and I think it symbolizes the energy that will help me move through a challenging time. I feel a whole lot better today, so perhaps the energy of the full moon has helped me release some stuff.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Tuning in to: I Love to Dance

2010-09-24T09:00:00.001-04:00

This week for the Happy Book blogging group, we're picking songs that compel us to dance. Although it was fun to think about, I didn't have time this week to create an exhaustive list of my favorites, and I can't think of them until I hear them again anyway! Maybe some other people in the blogging group will help me remember a tune I love to dance to. And maybe this little list will remind someone else of a great dance tune.

May your bodies sway, shake and sashay!

Grateful for an artistic community

2010-09-17T09:30:00.008-04:00

This week for the Happy Book blogging group we're focusing on who we'd like to thank. I feel immense gratitude to be in the company of a group of talented people who create beautiful work together. The amazing dancer/improviser/teacher, Mark Lamb, has created this wonderful monthly event. It was his vision, and it was built through the wonderful contributions of those inspired by that vision. Dancers, choreographers, improvisers, musicians, cooks, pastors, even a baby. The circle grows larger and larger, and the salons keep getting better and better! At the salon last Saturday, September 11, I witnessed this beautiful piece called "Peace Requiem." May we honor those who have passed, not by waging war but by cultivating peace and compassion in our hearts and in the world.

A fun scavenger hunt

2010-09-10T09:00:00.008-04:00

photographs and music © 2010 Helen Yee, all rights reserved

My knee has been bothering me again, so I haven't been able to go out there and take pictures for the scavenger hunt. But you know what? I've got lots of pictures sitting in my computer, and this was a wonderful opportunity to go back through years of memories. That was just as fun!

How was your week? What did you notice makes you happy? Check out others' happy posts here.

Happy cycles

2010-08-25T21:20:00.016-04:00

You can listen to my musical improvisation as you read this posti by clicking the play button below.

The Circle - improvisation
Helen Yee - throat singing and violin ©2010

A circle...
For the last ten weeks I've been a part of Jamie Ridler's group coaching telecircle, called Circe's Circle. It's with celebration and a touch of sadness that we now depart from this wonderful and supportive circle. The happy part of this experience is all I've accomplished and been awakened to in my own creative process during these weeks. When I began the circle, I knew I had a collaborative project to look forward to. But soon, another creative project landed and another opportunity to be profiled for a television segment arrived. My summer was launching to full tilt rather quickly. And the culmination of these events has been a joyful, artistically fulfilling, connecting experience. And so, the question hovers in my awareness, expectantly: What's next?

Continues...
As I mentioned last week, I want to explore what my own creations will be, outside of the ever-so-comfortable-for-me nest of creative collaboration. What will I create when left to my own devices? What will I be inspired by? What do I have inside me?

The beauty of beginning
I am continuing to explore, "If the word is love..." as a jumping off point for exploring my solo creative project. The music that accompanies this post is just that, one of my adventures in the land of solo improvisation. I'm happy to be digging through my bag of skills and tools, and tinkering with the possibilities. Possibilities. I like that word.

Dreamboard for the Full Sturgeon Moon

2010-08-24T23:05:00.007-04:00

For this full moon I let my intuition guide me as I gathered an excess of images. Before facing the blank board I had no idea what mood this board would settle into. In a blur, my chosen images fell into place on the board.

This board has a lightness about it. Whimsical, child-like, exuberant, celebratory, colorful. I don't know how so many images with balloons showed up, but there is definitely a lot of movement upward in this board. There is also a touch of mystery here too, with the diver swimming toward the ocean depths and the egg. What do I think this board is trying to show me?

Hopefulness, optimism - things looking up
Celebration! with balloons, cake, fun jewelry, fancy shoes
A girl-woman quality that wants to be expressed
A bit of bling and glamour
Taking flight - jumping, floating, flying
Nurturing possibility - in the nest and egg
Cherishing beauty in nature, and in people-made objects and environments
And in the middle of it all: feeling the love

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

If the word is love...

2010-08-20T16:06:00.010-04:00

You can listen to my musical excerpt while you read this post by clicking the play button below.

Magnolia Air - improvisation on F# drone
Helen Yee - violin ©2010

What a happy week this has been. Last Saturday was the opening of a play I collaborated on the music for, as well as a personal first in multi-discipline performance, a duet with Mark Lamb using my skills both old and new, in throat singing, violin playing, movement and text improvisation. The play is truly a collaborative work of art, and I've enjoyed performing the music for it along with my collaborator, musician and sound designer Matt O'Hare. My duet with Mark Lamb flowed well, was surprising, funny and real -- it was a performance high! It's such an honor to be working with such talented artists, and the collaborative process is one I love.

There is that thing that pulls at me a bit. What would happen if I were to create on my own? Can I do it? Do I have enough ideas, talent, focus, gumption, etc.?

For the past nine weeks I've enjoyed participating in the wonderful Jamie Ridler's group coaching, Circe's Circle. We're near the end of the ten-week session together and I have one more thing I want to explore and create, to truly feel like I've made good progress on my project of creating a body of work. That "thing" is to create my own work. Recently the word that keeps coming up for me is "love." Jamie asked us to take a look at how this can serve our project. How can love serve my project? This week, I've decided that I will just explore what I love and keep track of what happens. What opens things up for me? What ideas take hold of me?

Today's creation was inspired by magnolia. Last night, after our performance of the play, I had a slice of delicious cake from a bakery bearing that name. This morning I decided to just go with it, let the shuffle play choose my starting drone, and begin. There's no telling where this is going to lead me. Stay tuned...

A happy ride

2010-08-06T09:50:00.004-04:00

I had the most wonderful cab ride yesterday morning. This is not something you hear much in New York City.

I left my apartment, struggling with an injured knee, using an umbrella as a makeshift cane. As I hobbled to the corner, I hoped I'd find a yellow cab with a credit card reader since I hadn't been able to visit a cash machine and was in no mood to limp to the nearest one. Happily, there was a cab already stopped near the corner, the cab driver finishing the last bites of a morning snack.

The cab was air-conditioned (what a blessing in the heat we've been enduring this summer!) and the cab driver's first question to me was "How are you this morning?" I lied, not wanting to burden a stranger with my physical struggles. "Good. Pretty good."

He asked what instrument I had with me, and that began a conversation that lifted my spirits. We talked about his daughter, studying to become a doctor, who used to play the violin. How he loved listening closely to her practicing. We talked about how the violin can just make you cry, as it so sensitively expresses emotion almost more purely than the human voice. We talked about the power of music to move the spirit. It was one of those moments where I felt honored to be a musician. I struggle periodically with the meaning and usefulness of making art. This morning I had no such burden. This beautiful conversation with a cab driver from Bangladesh started my day peacefully and happily.

Happy creating

2010-07-30T19:20:00.007-04:00

Manon / Sandra @ FringeNYC

For the last week and a half I've been busy, really busy working on collaborating on the music for a play, opening August 14, to be mounted at the Fringe Fest in New York City. Although I'm feeling a bit exhausted, I'm also very happy. For me, showing up at the studio each day is a vastly more satisfying experience than showing up at an office every day. I get to shape music and sound in order to support characters and story. I get to take out some of my favorite toys: my violin, a microphone, a few electronic gadgets, and explore and play. I get to PLAY! It reminds me that even when I'm creating and composing on my own, experimentation and play are the best mind space to create from. As for collaboration, I'm thankful I have this opportunity to work with some amazing artists, all of such wonderfully high caliber.

I'll keep this posting short and sweet. The creative juices are flowing and I am really excited about this excellent production. I hope maybe some of you out there will be able to catch it.

How was your week? What did you notice makes you happy? Check out others' happy posts here.

Dream for the Full Buck Moon

2010-07-26T12:52:00.003-04:00

It's wonderful to take the time and build myself a dreamboard for the full moon. This month's dreams seem to be slightly gentler and softer, with more images of gardens, flowing movement, flowers, a bird. But there's still plenty of intensity too. I'm preparing to be profiled by an independent television station, and I'm busy collaborating on music for a play, and collaborating in a music, movement and text improv piece with a wonderful choreographer/dancer/improviser, Mark Lamb.

My winged warrior princess has made a return to my board, and she and the glamorous traveler have audiences and cameras upon them. This board seems to be calling me to explore my more feminine side with the vanity and jewelry. And I am also looking for some abundance and prosperity. Lots of things going on, so it looks like I also need some quiet time in the midst of all this exciting activity.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Happy senses

2010-07-16T12:00:00.003-04:00

Oh, there are many things brewing in my creative life, but for now I'll let them develop a bit before I share with you all. Having creative projects to work on definitely makes me happy. This morning on Skype video, my honey said it was great to see such a great smile on my face.

So my simple happinesses this week include:

Fresh plums from the farmer's market - the yellow ones, the red ones, the orangey ones, all tasting subtly and delightly different
Arranging a breakfast plate in a silly way to put a smile on my own face
A bunch of fresh lavender stalks in a glass vase, so beautiful to look at and smell
Loving the sound of my violin even more, ever since an expert worked his magic on it -- a series of tiny adjustments that added up to a whole lot of improvement

And with that violin sounding beautiful, it's time to create some music with it. Have a wonderful and happy week, fellow journeyers!

Check out others' happy posts here.

Dreamboard for the Full Strawberry Moon

2010-06-27T13:16:00.016-04:00

"To affect the quality of the day, that is the highest of the arts."
(from a painting in a window in Soho)

"What happened? Did you feel that? The room changed -- I felt something on my skin."
(from an article a friend shared with me)

This dreamboard has to win my own award for "wordiest board!" I'm not used to having so many words on my board, but I'm curious to see how it goes. The dream I have most strongly in my mind for this moon is the creation of a new body of work. What I see here are inspirations to recognize and honor the power of art. I've often vacillated in my life between seeing my art-making as an unimportant, inconsequential act, or seeing it as a potential healer of ills and feeder of souls. Synchronistically, a community orchestra colleague told me yesterday about a New York Times article featuring an artistic hero of mine, Laurie Anderson. The descriptions of the impact of her work are similar to what I would like to hear said about my work. After seeing that my dreams of playing at Carnegie Hall were fulfilled, I'm excited to see where this chapter of the journey will take me.

I see that this moon I am being asked to look at and appreciate the significance of what I want to do, perhaps what I am called to do. At the same time, there are reminders to play, to "leave the edges wild," to have courage, to kick ass, to align with the deepest levels of my being, to not be afraid of big ideas, to tune in to myself and the inner dance. I am really intrigued with this board, and I can't wait to see what work will emerge.

Happy for a taste of nature

2010-06-25T08:26:00.010-04:00

A couple of simple, small things made me smile this week. When I squeezed honey into a bowl of homemade yogurt and store-bought cereal it made this pattern. Looks like a heart, doesn't it? I had to snap a photo of it.

The homemade yogurt is something I've just started doing. We're probably at about our sixth batch of the stuff, and it is miraculous, fresh, delicious. I'm always a little nervous before I lift the cover on the pot, after it has incubated for a number of hours. It has not failed yet. The wonderful organisms seem to go right on living and doing their thing. I save the last bit of yogurt of each batch to use as culture for the next, and so far it's been working like a yummy dream.

I am also looking forward to adding some fresh herbs to my cooking this summer. The pot of chives came from a friend, and the basil from the farmer's market. Happy, herby deliciousness is ours! I might be inspired to add to the collection on my future trips to the market.

Check out others' happy posts here.

Happy ingredients

2010-06-18T10:31:00.007-04:00

I made my first trip to a local farmer's market at the northern end of Manhattan. I can't believe I've lived in this neighborhood for ten years without being aware of it. It's a welcome discovery that, on this trip, yielded fresh strawberries, eggs, delicious mushrooms, and garlic scapes. The vendor heard my plan to use the mushrooms and eggs for omelets and threw in a few squiggly garlic scapes for free. Thank you, thank you!

But what about all of this makes me happy? I want to notice more deeply what the ingredients of happy are. Exploration and discovery. Being outdoors on a beautiful day. My curiosity to look online for how to use garlic scapes. The simple enjoyment of delicious food. The visual beauty of fresh produce. The good clean feeling I get from knowing that my money is helping support local growers and a healthy environment. The sharing of a new experience with my honey. When I look underneath the surface of such a simple thing, and see that it yields so much happiness, it helps me know that there is plenty to go around if we just pay attention to it.

Let's try this exercise with the knitting. What makes me happy about knitting? The aesthetic joy of walking into a yarn shop filled with colorful and luscious yarns of different materials, and choosing from such a bounty. The soft, creature comfort of touching my chosen organic cotton yarn. The sense of adventure and discovery of looking online for some fun patterns. The self knowledge of recognizing my joy in challenging and stretching myself, learning new things, pushing myself to grow. The satisfaction of having tried something new and having it turn out lovely. The satisfaction of knowing that something I had wanted to experience but had previously assumed was too complicated (and therefore, scary) is now part of my life. I like making these little washcloths because each one gives me a chance, in quick succession, to enjoy these steps over and over again.

Maybe when we peek underneath the hood of these wonderful vehicles for happiness, we can discover its inner workings. What's inside your happiness?

Check out others' happy posts here.

Passing, a reminder to be happy

2010-06-11T09:10:00.011-04:00

This week brought the horrible news of a childhood friend’s passing after a battle with cancer. While we were no longer close and I knew little about his private life, we stayed in touch twice a year when I visited his office for exams and cleanings.

In the call from his office a few nights ago, his assistant’s wind-up delivered a blow I wasn’t prepared for. For a moment before the conclusion of her fateful sentence, I imagined the call was about a postponed appointment because of his parent’s passing. But no, it was about my friend himself. He'd never told me he was fighting cancer.

He died too young. He was my age. It is a powerful reminder that our time on this planet, in this lifetime, is limited and therefore precious. I feel very sad for his family’s loss, disappointed that his children will no longer have their dad.

The news shook me, telling me again that life is not to be wasted. But what does that mean? Partly it shows me I must cherish all the moments of life – that I can truly soak in my journey and really pay attention to my fellow travelers and the beauty of the world around me, wherever I am. It reminds me I must pursue what is in my heart, and that I cannot put things off for some future day that may never come. It’s a message to live fully. To make courageous choices. To be in the present.

We shouldn’t need brutal reminders of mortality to make us pay attention to the sweetness of life. So, perhaps, that's the gift this weekly practice of observing and acknowledging happiness brings.

Let’s pay attention. What brought happiness to you this week?

My Happy: Dreamboard, Flowers, Friends

2010-06-05T12:09:00.006-04:00

My happy this week was making a dreamboard again, after missing the last moon because of a full, full, full calendar. It was wonderful to get back to this practice of tuning in and letting my intuition guide my choice of images for this Full Flower Moon. This cycle, I didn't have time to post my own or respond to others' dreamboards, but you can check out dreamboards here.

I love flowers (who doesn't?) and this makes me happy too. Success! The orchid bloomed this year!

And simply spending time with friends, new and old. We enjoyed a cookout on a friend's deck during Memorial Day weekend. Great creative company, delicious food, fresh air. What a wonderful way to begin the days of summer.

Have a wonderful week!

Happy making music

2010-04-30T15:43:00.005-04:00

It was my first time playing there, and it's been a dream of mine for a long time. I have been there many times to take in concerts of all stripes but I still wanted to see what it's like to be on that stage. I was part of the string section in a great program of contemporary gospel music, "A Night of Inspiration." I put in the practice, got there. Surely, the practice is never over. That's part of the challenge and the joy of being a musician. I had a great time being part of the show and maybe someday I'll be there again.

Happy with flowers

2010-04-16T12:05:00.004-04:00

Here it is! I am quite excited to have finished my very first knitting project. Although I have vague memories of knitting little 4 x 4 sampler squares in my youth, I never endeavored to follow a pattern to actually MAKE something specific. I finally listened to my heart, and then followed the message to completion of a tea cosy or tea cozy -- depending on what part of the English speaking world you hail from! I'm especially proud of myself for (re)learning to knit from the wealth of how-to videos on the web, and for finding a pattern on the web, and for having the guts to alter the pattern to fit a smaller teapot, and the guts for trying a whole bunch of new techniques that fell in the "someday I want to try" category. I am very happy with the results, and I joyfully gave it to my good, tea-drinking friend.

Funny, now that it's all done and I don't have an ongoing knitting project, I feel a sense of missing something. I no longer have a little bag to open up at the end of the day to knit another couple of rows. Have I stepped on the path of becoming a knitting addict? :)

What kind of flowers are these?

This week I went on a walk with a friend and the park was blooming everywhere we looked. In a way, I feel like things are starting to move in my life after the quiet, internal phase of winter. I got a couple of very interesting music gigs this week. Happy, happy for the chance to do what I love.

You can see what others are saying about what makes them happy at http://www.tnc-thehappybook.blogspot.com/

Walking happy

2010-04-09T01:06:00.009-04:00

This week's happy included a nice, long walk in Central Park. We've been having a freakishly warm week here and the sunshine and the chance to walk around without a jacket on were irresistible. It is still very early in the season, so the trees were just starting to release tiny, tender leaves. I love the different shades of green in springtime.

The delight of children crowded around the giant soap bubbles made me smile. I stopped and took it all in, including the beautiful plaza around the fountain. No water yet, but it hardly diminished the beauty. I just miss the sounds of the fountain. I snapped some pictures and felt like a tourist in my own city.

And also this week, I finally gave in to the urge to start knitting. I didn't want to knit a scarf as my first project, and I couldn't think of anyone who really wants one, especially as the weather is warming. I found something I really WANT to make, and because it is a surprise for a friend I won't describe it.

Entering that yarn store and then leaving with the bag of goodies, I felt a surge of happiness. I was giving in to the urge I'd felt since December. The yarns were soft and a pleasure to touch, and all those colors! I showed the sales assistant the pattern so she could help me find the right yarns and needles, but I didn't tell her I'm a beginner. Suffice it to say, the project is not typically what one would choose for their first real knitting project. It involves circular knitting, crochet, and piecing parts together. No peeking! You'll see it when it's done.

Happy outlet

2010-04-02T11:51:00.005-04:00

This photo is from my honey, who went to plug in his laptop computer and found three happy faces beaming at him from under the desk in his hotel room. His email made me smile, though thousands of miles away.

Here are some other "happy outlet" moments this week:

Baking a loaf of whole wheat bread
Making a delicious roasted squash soup
Skype video so I can still see my honey even when he's away
Beautiful sunny weather (after days of gray skies and rain)
Seeing cool, inspiring, thought-provoking art at MOMA
Having dinner with a close friend
A sense-memory of playing in an inverted quartet (2 cellos, 1 viola, 1 violin)

At rehearsal with the trio yesterday we had a visitor who happens to be a cellist. She knew the song we were working on, so we all played it together. I was not prepared for the powerful sense-memory of hearing two cellos with a viola and violin. You see, for ten years I was part of just such a string quartet, Invert. For ten years my body and soul vibrated with that particular combination of sound frequencies. It was a powerful reminder to me of just how much music can evoke memories and emotions.

Dreamboard for the Full Worm Moon

2010-03-30T01:34:00.007-04:00

I thought about not doing a new dreamboard for this full moon. I loved my last dreamboard so much and I felt there was unfinished business, so I was hesitant to move on. But also, I didn't know if it was a good idea to let energy stagnate. Jamie Ridler's helpful suggestions opened up possibilities for me, whether or not I decided to make a new board, and made me feel it was okay to trust my instincts. Upon further reflection, I decided that I might be chickening out of creating a new board, for fear that I wouldn't like it as much as my last. That in itself raised a red flag. The suggestion that I could "have my cake and eat it too" by keeping the old board in sight AND creating a new one appealed to me and gave me an opening. I'm planning to keep the old board as part of a screensaver slide show, which also includes my intentions for 2010, and a Soul Reflections board I did at the turn of the new year.

But now for the Full Worm Moon Dreamboard...

I struggled a bit with creating this one, but now I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it. The first thing I notice is the mouth. It makes me think of loud mouths, of people who won't shut up, brazen self-expression. The check marks also stand out. It's like a seal of approval, or a "done" on the to-do list. It is affirming that I want to get stuff done, to be more productive and disciplined. There's a more symbolic and iconic quality to this board than my previous ones, a boldness in the symbols and shapes. There are odd juxtapositions, the sleeping pig and its dream bubble. The cotton plants in an industrial and urban setting. The faucet and the yin-yang blueberry sphere. I'm also surprised by the images related to being on stage, of having the lights and cameras on me, of getting dressed for a gala honoring my achievements. I feel very far away from being out there and being recognized -- I still think of myself as being in the preparation stage. Perhaps it could be a yearning or a motivation? The winged warrior princess is here again -- I've included her now for the fourth full moon running. Recurring also are the seashell and the flower, perhaps symbols of a natural growing and unfolding process. And again I have included an image of dance.

The only words here are on the board the film crew assistant is holding up: Rituals, Casting process, What's next.

What's being produced? I'm intrigued.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Happily there's no knead

2010-03-19T18:07:00.000-04:00

One of my recent constants for happiness is homemade bread. If you've been anywhere near food websites in the past several years you have probably come across numerous discussions about the eye-opening, delicious and liberating technique for making bread. I tried it once, after seeing an article in the New York Times, and I've been hooked ever since. I'm hoping that the weather spends its nice, sweet time lingering in springtime before we're propelled into the it's-too-hot-to-turn-on-the-oven New York summer. It only means more loaves of delicious bread for us!

I had a rough day earlier this week, and you may guess what my honey suggested. He knows that making bread is good for my spirit. There is something simply calming and magical, and also deeply satisfying, about waiting for nature to do its thing. It soothes my mind to go to the kitchen and peer at the bowl to see how well the yeast is doing its work. And ah, the smell of that bread baking -- pure happiness that rivals cutting into that loaf and tasting the first slice.

If you're curious about it, just Google "Jim Lahey" and "No-knead bread." But be careful, you might become another among the legions of addicts.

Happy: lost and found

2010-03-12T21:33:00.009-05:00

I feel like complaining about this week: about the nightmares that disturbed my sleep, about the travel problems that delayed my return home from a wonderful trip, about the travel that kept me away from home, about being in a van for seemingly endless hours, about a week that was uncomfortable and frustrating.

But this morning as I struggled to think about what happiness I could share from a difficult week, I realized that lacking the things that make one happy can help us see what those things are with greater clarity. My happy this week is a realization that the things that make me happy do follow a pattern. This week I missed:

1. the sounds, smells, tastes of the wonderful food my honey and I cook at home
2. the delicious sensation of dancing
3. the blissful freedom of improvising music
4. the warm comfort and happy silliness of being in my honey's presence
5. the feeling of connection and acceptance of being with cherished friends
6. the freedom of an unstructured day, making my own decisions about where I'm going to be and when

I think these things are the "staples" in my recipe for happiness. I might be reminded of more ingredients of happy as I think about it further, but I do believe these ingredients form the core of my happiness recipe. My relationships, food, dancing and art/creativity.

It's Friday, a rainy day in the city, the end of the week before I get to fully savor being back home and returning to the things I love. I began today with a rehearsal -- making music with my favorite trio mates. My mood instantly lifted in their companionship and our music-making. Lunch was a delicious homemade panini. My honey made a wonderful chai that filled our home with warming aromas. And this evening as I write, instead of traveling yet again to go to a birthday party, I'm staying home to savor some unstructured time for myself. I might even do a little dance.

Happily exploring a new town

2010-03-05T21:41:00.007-05:00

My happy this week is a brief trip across the country to explore Boise, Idaho. Being a little whimsical while exploring public art, letting the kid in me express herself was a happy thing. The extra surprise was that my honey actually caught me in the act.

We also had a chance to do something new to both of us, snowshoeing. Being a city girl, I don't get to enjoy the great outdoors much. That desire made itself apparent in my most recent dreamboard, and wow, here I am with a few days to be in the great outdoors. With some borrowed gear, we headed to the mountains. Happy, happy!

Dreamboard for the Full Snow Moon

2010-02-28T22:55:00.004-05:00

I look forward to these moon-thly opportunities to delve into exploring our dreams, and to the quiet time to tune into what's going on inside of me. This full moon brought so many images that I went to a larger, more panaromic format and still had to edit some out!

Freedom has popped up again as a theme, but this time it's joined by other words including calm, yes, spirit, art, connecting, artist, me. I liked what Jamie Ridler suggested, not only dreaming big but also looking at what actions I might take, inspired by what I see on my board. So here goes...

I could pay attention to how my energy flows
I could meditate
I could spend some time in wide open, natural places
I could make my kitchen and living room more calm, pleasing and artistic spaces
I could explore and play with technology
I could find more opportunities to connect with people
I could work on mastering my craft of music
I could look for ways to showcase my art
I could get on the dance floor
I could listen to and trust my instincts
I could say yes to myself when I feel an urge
I could treat myself as a precious jewel
I could unfurl and take flight
I could find beautiful ways to decorate and elevate my process of unfolding

I know some of the items on the list have been brewing for a while, and this moon may provide just the right impetus to get things rolling. Some of the other items are very intriguing, calling out to me in new ways. I'm looking forward to keeping this full moon dreamboard in sight and seeing what new discoveries I may find.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Permission to...

2010-02-24T13:17:00.004-05:00

I, Helen, wish to give myself permission to fail.

It's really that simple. The desire to create works of beauty, to play something perfectly, to have that dish come out right, to say the right thing at the right time -- all those desires have felt at times like heavy responsibilities, keeping me from trying out new stuff for fear that it won't turn out "right." The outcome has often been the empty page stays empty, the desire to create remains un-acted-upon. I wish to give myself permission to suck at stuff, to not be great at everything, to try and sometimes fall on my face. To laugh, get up, and try again.

One of those really satisfying days

2010-02-19T12:19:00.010-05:00

I'm trying to collect and remember my happy moments. Sometimes they are such tiny little moments in the day, and sometimes they are a whole, really great day.

Wednesday was one of those really great days, that began with the trio playing live on the radio. We began with a wonderful drive up the Hudson River, taking in the beautiful snow covered trees along the way. Snow has a way of brightening up the drab barren trees, highlighting their forms and branches, giving the eyes some relief from shades of gray and brown. We played live in the studio and chatted with the host, RadmanX. Talking on the radio still makes me a little nervous, even if I was a radio dj in college! One of my favorite moments (besides playing music with my trio mates, which I love to do) was listening to Leanne deliver the Poetic Service Announcement. She was handed a book to choose from and recited a poem by Rumi, "Chickpea to Cook" as translated by Coleman Barks. Leanne and I love to share foodie adventures, both eating and cooking, so it seemed so apropos that she landed on that page. The broadcast is an hour long, but if you're interested you can go to Radio Active Lunch Hour to listen to Trio Tritticali's archived show.

After we got back to New York City the rest of the day involved eating good Thai food, taking a nap after that late lunch, discussing the Artist's Way chapter with Leanne, then heading out to hear Mahler's Third Symphony at Carnegie Hall, and then sublime eats at Yakitori Totto nearby. Food, friendship, music - in any order, it makes me happy!

You can see what others are saying about what makes them happy at http://www.tnc-thehappybook.blogspot.com/

A happy snowy day project

2010-02-12T14:26:00.010-05:00

I'm sure you can by now complete the phrase, "When life hands you lemons..." One happy moment from this week I'd like to share comes from making lemonade out of those proverbial lemons. Wednesday delivered a snowstorm that caused my honey's flight to be rescheduled for the next day, which ultimately led to another automatic rescheduling for Monday (um, sorry that is not going to be okay!!), which then led to his driving out to his destination 12 hours away by car.

We decided to tackle the project of painting the entryway to the apartment, and while I don't love the process of doing it I do love the results. A day of being stuck in the cabin led to beautifying our little space.

Oh, and another moment of happy comes from anticipation! I'm happily looking forward to an adventure up to Vassar College's radio station with my cherished string trio mates on the Wednesday lunch hour show. We'll be playing some of our favorites live in the studio. Yay! Here's a link for more info and how to get to the webstream and archive, just in case you want to tune in...

You can see what others are saying about what makes them happy at http://www.tnc-thehappybook.blogspot.com/

Insight out

2010-02-08T15:25:00.007-05:00

I created this collage as a way of using a non-linear, non-logical process to examine an issue bothering me. It was in this week’s chapter of “Walking in This World” the sequel book to ”The Artist’s Way.” It reminded me of the Soul Reflections process, but with the addition of a subject, held lightly while I searched for images and arranged them. Here is my question, and my jotted thoughts about the resulting collage.

Why is it so hard for me to claim my strengths and gifts?

The first thing that strikes me most strongly is the center of the image, from a distance, looks like a void. Upon closer inspection it is actually a lighter image with jewelry hanging from a tree and the words “money does grow on trees.” Other words that pop are “strategist,” “great artists,” “you,” “work,” “the moment,” and “punk prose poetess.”

The next thing that strikes me most is the bright red in the collage. “The world’s great artists want to show you how they work” is next to a woman dancing. Her bodysuit has a grid on it, like the gridwork of the bridge, like the grids in the circuitry of the piano, the grid that is assumed underneath the graph the woman is drawing, and the tile-like pink gum. There is also a theme of electricity, with the circuitry and the wall socket, and the lightning.

The next most arresting images are the woman with her head in red bondage, and the collaged face. The red bondage could be the baggage from my upbringing with culturally very Chinese parents. There is a binding of my head, the modesty, the focus on the books. Right next to that image is the words “the moment” and I’m not sure what that is. Also the collaged face is an overlay of a child’s eyes onto Patti Smith’s face. The eyes of a child combined with the older, non-conformist, poetess. The pearl earrings suggest the gifts that are found within a pearl, an ugly slow process that produces a thing of beauty from an irritant. Also interesting is the modesty of the hellebores, the downward facing flowers that offer such sweet surprises. They are now being hybridized to try and develop flowers that have a more outward face. But how do I feel about their current beauty? I think there is something mysterious about it. The gifts, hidden. Maybe that’s like the oyster and the pearl too. Is it a funny coincidence that the name of these flowers reminds me of the words “Helen bores”?

The Thinker, the brain, the phrenology head, all point to something that is being mulled and thought. There is the obvious, that my brain is a strength and gift, but while I thought of myself as the smart girl I didn’t have the feeling that I was in the top of the class. Why? Perhaps because of my ingrained Chinese modesty. Perhaps because of that non-conformist punk in me. I was into punk and new wave as a kid, and it was a taste in music that felt a bit outside. I was proud of that outsider status, and I had always felt like one anyway because of what growing up Chinese-American in the white suburbs was like. I also hated that outsider status because I wanted the comfort of belonging.

Another theme in this collage is music. The piano, the actor carrying a well-worn guitar case, the wizened visage of Patti Smith. What is it about Punk Prose Poetess? These are words that are funny together. “Putting it all together” is a challenge and I feel I’m running out of time.

The avatar is staring me down. I haven’t seen the movie and I’m not sure I’m going to, but there he is. The avatar is a substitute, a symbol, an imaginary me. What would my imaginary me be? Am I the dancer? Am I the disheveled punk? Am I the businesswoman drawing a chart? Am I the child wearing glasses, toys plunked down near the wall socket? Lost my fuzzy lamb, a kangaroo? Am I the woman with her head in bondage? Am I the actor musician walking down the street? Am I the thinker?

Wishcasting: What story do you wish to live or let go of?

2010-02-03T14:44:00.004-05:00

This week for Wishcasting I wish to let go of a story that portrays me as unqualified or underqualified. I have had a tendency to feel that there is some prerequisite experience or knowledge that I need first in order to... fill in the blank. That could be -- put myself out there as a teacher or expert, create a composition, sing in public, or sell my services for anything that I'm able to do. I almost always feel there is some level of mastery to be achieved before I can legitimately put myself out there, or allow myself to create something new. This old story is weighing me down, and I wish to be like the dancing "grim reaper" on the tarot card I drew today. I want to leave the old decaying matter aside, and cut loose the threads to let new possibilities be released.

The possibilities? Mastery is not a prerequisite, it is an ever just-beyond-reach ideal. The new story I wish to live is that I have years of experience learning various disciplines and crafts, amassing knowledge, and that while the process will never end, people can still benefit from what I have within in me thus far. So while art and life are a work in progress, it's completely okay to share exactly where I am today. It is still something worthwhile to give.

Dreamboard for the Full Wolf Moon

2010-01-31T01:51:00.014-05:00

I couldn't resist bringing back the central figure from my last full moon dreamboard, so the warrior princess is going to strut her stuff again for another moon. This time I felt drawn to majestic skies, beautiful seashells, rich swaths of color, fresh greenery and bright oranges. Drawn to contemplate and celebrate the limitlessness of the ever changing sky, the princess may be getting ready to try out those wings. There's been a growing process, and the outer shell has been expanding to accommodate the developing soft being it houses. The spiral twists, wider and wider with each turn. In my best moments I feel I'm becoming what should always have been obvious I would become all along. Only I still don't know what that is. Perhaps only in retrospect will the path look like it has clearly been there the whole time. This month I'm seeking to have around me the bright energy, patient concentration, and sparkle I need as I move in the direction of being free.

Dreamboard for the Blue Moon

2009-12-31T12:14:00.009-05:00

For this full moon dreamboard, I decided to try Jamie Ridler's Soul Reflections - the Home Edition as the process to create my board. So perhaps it's not technically a "dreamboard" but a "soul reflections board." Still, it was a way to gather intuitive wisdom about what my heart and soul need right now. It was a blissful indulgence (i.e., necessity) to dedicate a good chunk of time to doing something deeply immersive just for myself, especially at this time of year. The experience was the closest I've gotten to taking part in a workshop while staying at home. And I chose to do it in my pajamas!

In my board I see that I'm yearning to march confidently forward. I feel there is a lot of heat in the center -- intention, direction and energy applied to an abundance of natural gifts: fruit and flowers. Also present is an attitude of seeking, tuning into the inner compass through meditation, and the intellectual processes of deep observation and analysis. The elements on the board represent parts of who I am or who I am becoming. I've dubbed the central figure the warrior princess and perhaps there is a part of me that wants to strut confidently forward -- taking part in exciting adventures, discovering new things, showing the world what I'm capable of. It almost seems too big and too much for my everyday self concept, but clearly there's a part of me that wants to bust out of the old container. But in doing so it seems the message is that rather than follow a more masculine model of constantly pushing forward, this feminine warrior of the heart respects nature's flow: external and internal. From the soft processes that nurture plants, develop flowers and grow into fruit to the soft processes of sitting in silence to discover the quiet truths residing within us. Only with these soft ingredients available can I then apply the fires of my intent, desire and will to create. Those creations can manifest in a constellation of forms: they might be delicious food, beautiful music, thought-provoking and entertaining performance, or satisfying community.

As I look forward to the new year I'm thankful for the surprisingly wonderful experience that blogging has been. I started up a blog earlier this year simply to participate in sharing a dreamboard but what I've found is a community of real, insightful, funny, caring and creative people -- all sharing your truths, your processes, your lessons, your aha moments. Thanks to you all, and may the coming year bring whatever your heart desires!

A kinder and gentler season

2009-12-23T21:13:00.007-05:00

Each Wednesday, Jamie Ridler provides a question as a prompt for participants to cast wishes and support one another's wish making. For today's Wishcasting Wednesday, Jamie asks, "What do you wish for this holiday season?"

This holiday season is starting out much like the others I’ve experienced since becoming an adult. More hassle than fun. Even when I was a child, I did not enjoy having a birthday so close to Christmas. December now typically means a heaping serving of stress about gift shopping, numerous social gatherings, and last but not least, a mound of anxiety about the passing of another year accompanied with plenty of critical self-judgment about how little I’ve accomplished. It seems that I really haven’t been able to truly enjoy my birthday month for years, maybe decades.

The rest of this holiday (and birthday) season, my wish is to be more relaxed and actually find time to nurture my spirit. And I’d like to feel no guilt for not always taking care of others first. I wish to be able to look at the past year and see plenty of accomplishments rather than all the things I didn’t get around to. I wish to enjoy social gatherings without feeling like I have to measure up to some ideal of what a host or guest should be. In short, I wish to be kinder and gentler to myself and to savor the spirit of the season in a more simple and pure way.

Dreamboard for the Full Cold Moon

2009-12-02T01:35:00.009-05:00

I skipped making a dreamboard for the previous full moon, but for this moon I was very curious to see what could emerge. I tried not to think too much as I chose the images, but once I got started I found myself choosing circle after circle. I've also chosen more sparkly images this time, for some reason. And dance is still a key element. Although I'm a musician I've been letting myself enjoy dancing much more lately. While I'm pleased with yet puzzled by this collection of images, I'm excited to see how the story of this dreamboard may unfold over the coming weeks.

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

The Joy Diet - It takes two to... connect

2009-11-20T00:53:00.006-05:00

This is a photo of my very first dance in Buenos Aires. I don't know the man I'm dancing with, nor did I get his name. I do know this was preceded by a silent meeting of gazes at what was my first milonga in the birthplace of tango.

This week we are discussing the chapter in the Joy Diet about Connection. While I didn't practice Martha Beck's suggestions much this week, I did think a lot about what connection feels like. Tango is a useful analogy for me. For me the best tango experiences are not about sex appeal and flashy moves. They're about that feeling of being together in a shared moment, a moment that flows like our best Nothing experiences, and feeling mutually held in an attitude of caring.

When I saw this picture of myself dancing, I was struck by how it seems I am embracing an old friend. I think this is rather like Martha's suggestion to start by being in the Nothing place with strangers. Many of my most memorable tango experiences have been dancing with strangers. There is truly something magical about encountering another person without preconceptions or expectations. I believe that being in this space with people you know, or people you love is an extremely difficult but worthwhile practice to seek to master. I know my skills at this are modest at best, but reading this chapter reminded me how rewarding the experience can be.

This week I had what could be one of the most difficult situations in which to attempt this connection practice. It involved dinner with an ex-paramour. I didn't succeed at nothing-doing at all. Ok, I'll be truthful. My inner experience was a disaster. There was too much noise in my head: anxieties about my own future, dissections of our shared past, trying to not be judged, etc. etc. etc. blah blah blah. Why is it so hard to get out of our own heads?!

On the flip side, my experience of sharing my truths (including the not so pretty ones) with my close friends and my wonderful guy has led me to feel deeper connection with them. I guess I did do some work with this chapter after all.

The Joy Diet - Laughing well

2009-11-13T01:35:00.009-05:00

I had fun this week "working at" discovering what makes me laugh most. Here then is a list, by no means exhaustive and by no means foolproof (especially when I'm counting laughs), and in no particular order...

1. My man's silly miming
2. Monty Python
3. Movie musicals
4. Meals out with friends
5. Movement improv
6. Musical improv
7. Making silly faces
8. Bowling
9. Ping pong
10. Participating in any sports I'm woefully unskilled at
11. Jimmy Kimmel's unnecessary censorship
12. Flight of the Conchords

I found the easiest laughs come when I'm with others, the least reliable when I try to go to one of my media sources of guffaws and giggles. I think I got a good dose of 25 laughs in the few hours I spent at dinner with friends. That day was easily well beyond the recommended minimum. Other days, where I spent almost the entire day alone, I was unable to reach the minimum threshold of 30 even with the help of funny videos. I guess real people I know are the best way to keep a smile on my face. For those dull days when I'm not around others I've thought about trying laughter yoga. Have any of you tried it? What have I missed? What funny bone ticklers do you prefer?

The Joy Diet - Exploring Play

2009-11-06T23:59:00.002-05:00

You can listen to my musical response to exploring play while you read this post by clicking the play button below.

An Eagle on the Precipice - improvisation#2 on C# (for "see sharp")
Helen Yee - violin, vox ©2009

As I've been going through the Joy Diet, I have experienced a wide range of emotions. This week was extreme. In fact, I don't feel like writing much about it yet, as I'm still trying to make sense of it all. I used Martha Beck's suggestions for uncovering what my "real career" is (again, a weird choice of terminology but I'll play along for now). The lumpy nuggets, still to be carved into greater focus, revolve around realms of my Big Desire and beyond: connection with loved ones and others, changing people's perspectives and consciousness, adding beauty and art to the world, traveling and experiencing the world.

Why do I have to keep learning and relearning the lessons of the Fool? In the Creativity chapter, I had already struggled to be light and playful about the big things in my life. Martha's suggestion to recognize the things we do in service of our "real career" as "games" has been difficult for me to absorb and practice. I've historically been a rather strict critic to myself, expecting to know the right answers, expecting perfect compliance with plans whether small or grand, chastising myself for slipping. This week, I tried to be a more gentle and nurturing caretaker of my slightly tattered spirit. Here are a few of my aha moments:

1. My soul wants desperately to dance. I obliged. This week I watched Dancing with the Stars, danced along with Gabrielle Roth's "The Wave" DVD, and discovered the value of regular "James Brown dance breaks" in the living room. Dance lifts my spirits and helps me feel "in my own skin."

2. I enjoy making delicious food. On my most vulnerable day this week I had a birthday party to go to, and I had promised to bake some Pan de Muertos, a traditional bread for the Mexican Day of the Dead. Okay, so maybe this was more highly symbolic than the other food I prepared this week, but this is the kind of synchronicity I've been noticing lately. (By the way, the bread came out beautifully and was given a thumbs up from the sole Mexicana at the party.)

3. Making music is a "flow" thing for me. When I can completely immerse myself in the moment when making music with others, or when practicing on my own, I lose myself in the task at hand, perform to the edges of my ability, feel growing mastery, and can look back at the experience satisfied. By the way, regarding the soundtrack to this post, C# is not a very violin-friendly key, but the pun was too tempting too pass up!

4. The eagle vision and mouse vision exercise lessens my anxiety. I found that most of the mouse things I spend my time on do fit with the eagle's vision. That surprised me. The recasting of "real career" as activities that allow me to achieve and experience my lifetime goals/desires helped me see that the shape of my life is more on track than I had assumed it was.

5. Lightening up is highly useful for me. Maybe if I keep practicing on the small things I'll be able to look at my "real career" as a game, too.

The Joy Diet - The Trick to Treats

2009-10-30T01:51:00.013-04:00

While in the past weeks it has often been a challenging shared journey through Martha Beck’s book, The Joy Diet, this week on “Treats” was a bit different. The Joy Diet definition of a treat? “Anything that makes you feel like smiling.” While the lists of favorite things were a bit slow to compile early on, as I went through the week more and more simple treats would just pop into my mind.

I have to admit I felt a bit like a slacker this week, indulging in a few of my favorite things on a daily basis. I’m learning that perhaps my work ethic cramps my happiness a bit. Even if I’m not doing something on my list, my guilt or anxiety about not doing it often kills the joy I’d otherwise have indulging in a treat. It looks like I need a lot more practice on balancing between doing not-so-enjoyable things and treating myself well.

One of the exercises this week was to catalog our sensory delights. While the exercise called for five things, in the spirit of simple extravagances I decided to add a couple more:

I love the taste of:
1. Dark chocolate
2. Congee with pork and thousand year egg
3. Vanilla ice cream
4. El Presidente’s arroz con pollo (in my neighborhood)
5. Our homemade mushroom risotto
6. Cherimoya
7. Empanadas from La Continental (in Buenos Aires!)

I love the sight of:
1. An older couple holding hands
2. Puppies playing
3. My guy’s smile
4. Flowers in a garden
5. The light playing on buildings as the sun begins to set
6. The Mountains out west
7. The Pacific Ocean

I love the feel of:
1. Cashmere
2. Sun on my back
3. Being massaged
4. A good tango dance
5. My man, holding my hand
6. Soft, furry, warm kitties (or puppies)
7. A nice comfy bed

I love the smell of:
1. Coffee
2. Norma Kamali’s perfume
3. Nag champa
4. Meyer’s geranium scent washing liquid
5. Oatmeal cooking in the morning
6. Thé des Lumieres (from Mariage Frères)
7. Homemade bread in the oven

I love the sound of:
1. Wind chimes
2. A running stream or waterfall
3. Bird songs
4. Rain
5. Wind in the trees
6. Thoughtful, emotional music
7. An old-fashioned stovetop coffee percolator

One interesting experience I had this week was a risk that morphed into a treat. I participated in a workshop offered by Mark Lamb, called “Inside Out, Moving in the Moment.” The class explores ways to generate movement in the moment, along with improvising text, and personal story. In the class we were to explore the possibilities of movement invention while moving non-judgmentally and with a deep sense of play. This sounded like just the right step to take on my desire of heading in a direction that brings together music with performance art or theatre. I’ve wanted to explore and learn more about disciplines beyond music making, particularly storytelling and movement. It was my small scary step in the direction of a big desire.

Interestingly, in this setting I had a chance to use Martha’s suggestion to practice divine decadence. My invented movement motif flipped me 180 degrees and turned my back to the audience – and it reminded me of Miles Davis. Years back I’d attended a concert and he played almost half of the performance with his back to the audience. Years of training to give to the audience, to connect with them, to never turn your back were tossed out in mere seconds. My spontaneously improvised text and movement came together in a mini-performance that felt authentic and powerfully freeing. What a real treat! I came out of that class excited, feeling like I’ve just discovered a much BIGGER playground. This new adventure brings with it many new things to learn and ways to grow into myself. I have a feeling I'll be going back to this risk-treat again and again.

The Joy Diet - The faces of Risk

2009-10-23T01:34:00.005-04:00

You can listen to my musical response to facing risk while you read this post by clicking the play button below.

Facing Risk - improvisation#1 on D (for Desire)
Helen Yee, violin ©2009

Maybe the Joy Diet is working, or maybe I've gotten too truthful with myself to deny that my desire to create needs to be acted upon. It seems that Martha's goading to take a small scary step and to "walk into the monster's maw" has inspired me to face my fears and put something out there. What's there to stop me? The faces of risk:

1. The risk of "it's not up to my standards" -- Whether due to perfectionism or pride, not wanting to put work out in the world until it's just right has often kept me from starting. The prospect of creating a wonderful, genius work of art is daunting. I never feel prepared enough. There's often some piece of knowledge, or skill, or training, or achievement that I think I must have before I'm qualified to even attempt. So the blank page has often been the result.

2. The risk of "looking like a fool" -- And then there is the fear of being ridiculed or criticized. We all hope that our work will be well received, but it is painfully obvious that it makes no sense that the fear of bad reviews should keep me from creating. Martha's words need to stay with me: "Any risk worth taking is worth taking whether it leads to success or failure. The criterion by which you should decide which dangers to face, and which to avoid, is not your chance of succeeding but the depth of your desire." In my vision card for this week, the idea is to not focus on the nasty pointed teeth of the beast, but the heart's desire that can only be reached by passing through the fear.

3. The risk of "disappointing others" -- I think the earlier chapters in The Joy Diet, Truth and Desire, have helped me look within and really know what I feel and what I want or need. With a clearer idea of those things I have already found it easier (not easy but easier) to say no to people. And it has worked, keeping me from overextending myself, and lowering my stress and anxiety levels. Nonetheless, one of my small risks this week involved saying no to someone, and though it was difficult to do I was tremendously relieved once I'd done it.

These were my monsters, this week at least. I'm sure I'll put names to a few others as my experience with taking risks grows.

And what about my musical response to facing risk? While I play music regularly I have put off creating and sharing any new pieces of music for a long time. The audio clip above is my way of stepping into the monster's maw. It's not finished or perfect, it's not going to win a Grammy, and I might find it a bit disappointing, but it is far better than promising myself that someday I'll start writing again without taking action.

When I walked over to the stereo to start up the cello drone I had expected a nice bed of A, but somehow out came the D drone. In the interest of welcoming the unexpected and "collaborating" with the unplanned, I decided to just go with it. During my improvisation I tried to keep a spirit of walking to the edge of risk in the piece. What does it feel like to walk to the edge and take a jump? To find another edge and push at it a little more? How do I deal with feeling uncomfortable and a bit scared? It feels great to finally break an internal barrier that was keeping me from moving forward, no matter how small this scary step was. And now that it's out there, I wonder what I'll want to risk next...

The Joy Diet - Creativity lessons from The Fool

2009-10-16T04:55:00.008-04:00

For as long as I can remember, I've considered myself a creative person. Whether it was visual arts, music, or more lately, dancing -- creativity has been part of what I do. So, I thought this week's chapter in the Joy Diet would be easy. The only problem was: I wasn't setting out to create a work of art. Martha's instructions were to write down our most pressing heart's desire in the form of a question such as "How could I...?" and then write five possible answers. My desires this week were little things like "I want to know what my calling is" and "I want to feel more grounded and less anxious." I found I could play Martha's game and creatively come up with some answers, but I wasn't feeling satisfied with it. Something kept nagging at me.

I wasn't feeling any more grounded. I wasn't feeling any less anxious. My to do lists didn't help. Busyness didn't remedy my angst that I wasn't getting any closer to my desires. Also, I am very fuzzy on the particular shape my big desire should take. Making a living as an artist? All this nebulousness was making me very uncomfortable. I did what any self-respecting sensible, logical person would do -- I pulled a tarot card to gain some insight on my problem.

What a gift! It seems the Fool wanted to talk to me, and had been trying to get through to me all along (as you'll see from the article and video links below). My patterns typically involve using the exacting force of logical thinking to solve problems. It feels good when I can reason out a problem. Yet, as I was trying to move toward my big desire with analysis, all I got was paralysis. And anxiety.

What I missed is the possibility that weighty questions about my purpose in life can be approached with a sense of foolishness, nonsense and fun. Seeing this, I felt immediately lighter. I could take the Fool's leap into the unknown. A tiger may bite his leg but he is oblivious to it. He makes the leap into the void with a smile on his face and his eyes wide open to the possible. And the first loop in the endless cosmic hula hoop is a circle around his heart. I could likewise place my desires at the center of my leap into the void -- to move toward a desired new life with a sense of playfulness, openness to possibilities, and trust that the right answers will spontaneously appear. The lesson for me? That to feel less anxious I should not cling to the ground but get comfortable with groundlessness.

Underscoring the lesson of The Fool, were some things I came across this week. The New York Times had an article, How Nonsense Sharpens the Intellect, that describes studies in how priming the brain with nonsense and disorientation actually increases people's abilities to recognize patterns. It looks like most of Martha Beck's "mind yoga" suggestions for increasing our creativity have scientific basis! They force our brains to make sense out of nonsense, thus spurring creativity.

And this video shows the power of fun as a motivator. What's your experience? Does the idea of allowing more foolishness and fun into the mix free up your creative thinking on big desires?

The Joy Diet - Playing with desire

2009-10-09T01:54:00.018-04:00

Genuine desire. Pick a pebble, any pebble. Twice this week, my desire had to do with being happy with myself. I know that sounds like a vague notion. I was facing a busy week returning to certain elements of my working life and artistic life after a quiet period spent introspectively. Partly, I didn't feel ready. It felt as if someone had gently nudged me from a soporific dream state and strapped me into the capsule of a rocket. And before I could prepare myself mentally and physically, the shuddering of the spacecraft provided the rude call to wake up and steer myself into orbit. My to-do list this week was long, including a couple of days dedicated to being out of town on business. Knowing that I’d lose two days to something that was not my heart’s desire made me anxious -- I would be missing out on time spent doing things I enjoy. The simple desire to be happy with myself was enough. I wanted to take action on my list without anxiety and self-flagellation.

When heading home from the two days spent out of town, my desire turned to something very elemental. I wanted time with my instrument. The yearning only intensified with days separated from any music making. No playing, no singing, no humming. I now realize I need music like I need air.

And then there was The Big One -- the desire so difficult to allow myself to have. Because it was always warned against, because it is completely impractical, because only silly dreamers can entertain the thought of making a living as an artist. I don’t want throw myself completely into trying to make it happen only to wind up proving the naysayers right. Also I’m afraid it is too much to ask, so I’m tempted to discard this pebble. But I won’t do it yet. I have a hunch I can benefit from spending more time keeping this one in my pocket, familiarizing myself with the ache of holding it. I want to conduct an experiment: let’s see what happens to this desire if I keep it close, if I resist the notion of tossing it back into the heap.

Dreamboard - Running at the full harvest moon

2009-10-05T21:33:00.016-04:00

I was excited to see what would emerge with this Full Harvest Moon Dreamboard because I've been feeling a lot of changes lately. This dreamboard seems more dynamic and active than my last one, and for good reason. October is often a hectic month for me, and this one is no exception, though not for the usual reasons.

Running, jumping, diving into the next phase of my life seems to be a large part of what I'm sensing is on its way. Along with this, there is a mood of mystery and theatricality about what's coming -- the curtains opening, the eggs hatching, gestures of reaching toward the unknown, the moon and lanterns illuminating the night. It also looks like I'm longing for celebrations and gatherings for some well-deserved pauses from all that action!

If you're interested in making a dreamboard yourself and sharing it with others, check out Jamie Ridler's Full Moon Dreamboards Online. Check out what others are dreaming for themselves for this full moon here.

Enjoy launching your dreams!

The Joy Diet - Getting to the Truth

2009-10-02T00:33:00.011-04:00

I think I’m getting the hang of nothing! The fifteen minutes of nothingness has now become a practice of twenty minutes each day, and I stuck to it this week. Of course they don’t call it “practice” for nothing – my mind is ever busy wandering from obsession to preoccupation and back again. But it seems I’m a bit less discouraged now, and looking forward to sitting in meditation rather than dutifully forcing myself to. And I’m able to be more relaxed about noticing thoughts and letting them go.

Joy, however, still seems like a reward being withheld until I’ve satisfied a few prerequisite chores. Don’t get me wrong, I am beginning to find the process satisfying and comforting, but I’m wondering where the joy is in this Joy Diet. Nothing? Truth? It seems like the first couple of menu items are not as obviously joyful as what’s coming: Desire, Creativity, Risk, Treats, Play, Laughter, Connection, Feasting.

The week of Truth has revealed some of my monsters lurking in the deep. While I appreciate that being honest with ourselves is a necessity, why do the questions in this “menu item #2” focus on hurt and pain? I hope the next chapter will address the positive side of our truth, rather than only what we’re unhappy about. Some of the monsters revealed this week? I’m not good enough, I can’t live up to the hype, I’m feeling overwhelmed, I should have learned to play the piano, I am scattered and can’t focus, I am lazy and unmotivated. I get it when Martha Beck says, “If you make a habit of this, you’ll find that your ‘bad’ feelings are exactly the ones that you most need to explore. The feeling you think is bad beyond belief may be the only teacher in the universe from whom you can learn genuine goodness.” If my “pains” are coming more from my stories than about reality, I can more easily realize that I’m free to leave suffering behind. Sounds good to me. Martha Beck suggests we flip the pain-story, “trying permutations and explanations for it until you feel the open, satisfying sense that you’ve stumbled upon a story more true than the one you’ve been using to hurt yourself.” Again, this seems like sensible and good medicine, getting us to a greater truth than the original pain-story. But joy?

I did feel a little soothed by offering compassion to myself with the phrases: “May I be happy. May I be well. May I be free from suffering.” But beyond that I’m not quite sure how to care for my “inner lying scumbag.” As suggested I also tried thinking of things I could do to bring more love into the world. Unfortunately, while I can think of a good number of actions that fit that description, I don’t comprehend how this would heal my wounds and pains. Maybe, like last week’s Nothing, I need to practice more and try to remember what Martha says:

“It is the truth that offers us this freedom, the freedom to test what we are taught, to accept what we feel in our hearts, to believe what we know in our bones, and to love ourselves – including the worst aspects of ourselves – until we see through enough of our illusions to discover who we were really meant to be. At this point, we will have dismantled the biggest lie, the most profound denial of all: the denial of our own inestimable power and value.”

The Joy Diet - What about nothing?

2009-09-24T12:49:00.005-04:00

I'm still waiting for the joy in nothing. While I've been able to practice nothing most days, I have not felt joyful about it. I will keep at it. Patience, patience, I tell myself.

Patience is something I offer quite easily to other people, but with myself I often want the answers now. I have a sneaky suspicion I need to be compassionate with myself, persisting with the practice until I reach a point where I can feel the joy in doing nothing rather than approaching it with dutiful compliance. Hopefully, as the weeks of practice accumulate, I’ll find ways to get in touch with that empty space with a greater sense of peace and joyfulness.

One of the techniques I’ve found really helpful is one I picked up from one of Eckhart Tolle’s books: to be like a cat watching a mouse hole patiently, curious about the next mouse to appear. When I wait for the next thought to appear, it paradoxically takes longer to come. More nothingness between the mind-chatter!

Because I live in a noisy city, my mind can get snagged by sounds in my environment, taking my thoughts along on a train ride that carries me great distances, hopping from car to car, before I realize I was supposed to jump off that train of thought miles ago. To try and remedy it, I pretend I am surveilling my mind from a dark room (or van) with lots of monitors in it. When a sound or a thought enters the picture, a small light or screen corresponding to that impulse lights up, then goes dark. I don’t label or analyze any of the thoughts that light up the monitors, just notice that something lit up and forget about it (hopefully).

So far, I only skipped one day this week and I found that the next day’s meditation was more difficult. It almost seemed as if the backlog of mental noise that hadn’t been released into the “waterfall” was now damming up the works. Perhaps that is one of the values of practicing daily?

Beginning The Joy Diet

2009-09-18T12:07:00.007-04:00

Jamie Ridler has organized another voyage through her online book blogging group, The Next Chapter. Although I don't know whether I am ready to embark on this journey and I'm a newbie at blogging, I don't want to miss the boat. So I'm hopping on and hoping for a fun and enlightening ride through The Joy Diet, by Martha Beck.

Because right now I've got so many things on my plate, and other things lurking on the edges of my plate, I wonder if I can take on one more thing. But hmmm, the first thing Martha Beck wants us to add to our daily diet is nothing. Sure, I believe I can do that! Yet I know from past practice how deceptively simple it sounds, and how difficult it is to consistently do. Perhaps, knowing that others are taking this trip will help me keep from jumping ship.

What I'm looking for during this journey is a reconnection to joy that might help positively shift my inner experience as I make major transitions in my life. In letting go, I have felt that my moorings have been cut and that I'm adrift. The process of becoming has often been, for me, fraught with anxiety and confusion, mixed with fear of the unknown, mixed with hope for the unknown. I am hoping that the joy diet will help me become clearer and more connected to my self. To rediscover and reconnect with my own inner moorings. To fully enter, enjoy and savor this transition period instead of worrying.

The discussion group is taking each of the 10 practices a week at a time and is open to all. Feel free to join in. I'm looking forward to the journey!

Tangle

2009-09-08T01:24:00.010-04:00

The fishing net is tangled around my ankles, but I’m not on a fishing boat, not on a pier, not anywhere near the water. I’m on Delancey Street, just having enjoyed a sublime gelato from il Laboratorio del Gelato. I stumble a bit, hobbled like a steer caught in a gaucho’s bolo. Miraculously I manage to not fall over. I wonder how a fishing net wound up on the street on the Lower East Side. A cruel joke of the gods? Who is the fishing god anyway, Neptune? He must be getting me back for all those times I tweaked his nose as I passed the Dakota on the Upper West Side. Funny, the things we do without worrying about the consequences. In ancient times, we must have been ever mindful of our smallest actions for fear of angering such gods. My transgression could have meant being ostracized because my actions would bring Wrath upon not only my head, but the entire clan. Life’s rhythms are changed by assumed consequence. Once a rule was made up – say, don’t step on the cracks or you’ll break your mother’s back – it would probably first become a personal habit. Or it might be encoded into a whole community of walkers with a head-downward creed of humility in the service of paranoia. A cult of watching where you walk.

What was lost

2009-09-02T10:23:00.004-04:00

The bottom of the lake is where she imagined the ring would be. Darlene hadn’t listened to the little voice inside. Until that afternoon. As she set out for her journey across the lake in the canoe, she thought about taking off the ring and putting it in her pocket. It was a ring her grandmother had given her, the last time she visited. The last time she heard her grandmother’s sweet and soothing voice in real life, not in her head as she often did now. Her grandmother handed her the ring, a ruby set in bright yellow gold, telling Darlene how she and Grandpa visited India when they were much younger. How the smells of the market lingered in their clothes and hair and how they were reminded of their trip whenever they followed their noses down East 6th Street in New York. The ring immediately spoke to the newlyweds, and although they already had their diamond engagement ring and solid gold wedding bands, it felt like this was a ring that symbolized the new adventure they were setting forth on together. As Darlene excitedly slipped it on her finger she felt a jolt of envy then, of her grandmother’s lifetime of travel and adventure. Perhaps the ring’s new home at the bottom of the lake was a signal to leave old envies in a cold, deep sleeping place. Darlene would have to take the next step.

Searching for a new rhythm

2009-08-19T07:35:00.006-04:00

Life threw me some big changes, and I feel a bit out of whack. My mind and body have been performing a specific set of patterns for some time. Nine years for one project and twenty-two years for a career. Now the landscape I once danced in has been hit by a tornado and I find myself tripping over debris or not moving through a space once filled by an office building. Until my mind and body adjust to the new reality, perhaps it's too much to ask myself to come up with a new dance? I feel pressured by expectations [my own?] that I come up with a new pattern quickly, when what I really want to do is take some time to walk in my new world with care and attention. I want to trust that the new rhythm will naturally emerge when it is time.

The dancing man

2009-08-03T12:48:00.005-04:00

With the wildest, swishing abandon I've seen anybody dance with on the sidewalks of New York City he twirls by. Have you seen him? He wears a baseball cap, tilted at a saucy angle, earphones piping something good to his brain. What he listens to is a mystery. It's impossible to miss him as he careers down the sidewalk, weaving and turning, repeating some phrase as a mantra. Is he crazy? Or is he just freakishly uninhibited? The stares and giggles I see on the street make me wonder if my inner desire to join in isn't shared. How do the more conventional see the line between crazy and creative? I want to dance on that line and prove it is completely sane.

Riding the wave

2009-07-16T01:20:00.002-04:00

On Saturday I went to see a dance performance at Lincoln Center's recently reopened and simply beautiful Alice Tully Hall. Shen Wei Dance Arts performed a three-movement piece entitled, "Re-" that has me continuing to think about it, even now. The following evening, I had the chance to hear once again a segment of music used for one of the movements, only this time in the subterranean music venue, Le Poisson Rouge. Todd Reynolds, the violinist, introduced the piece he was about to play and explained that during the creative and rehearsal process it had taken on the name, "Killer." As I listened to the powerful and terrifying piece for violin and electronics in the dramatically dark club with its starkly lit stage, I could literally see the choreography from the night before. Actually, it was more like a kinesthetic inner compulsion fighting to emerge through my own body. I wanted to dance it. It struck me then: this music was such a perfect fit with that particular physical movement that the two had become inseparable in my mind.

I think music is meant to move us. Not only emotionally, but often literally. Some of my most cherished memories of music making are when body, breath and sound are riding on the same wave, the same impulse, moving as one. Try singing a line from a favorite song, investing it with the intention and the emotion the song calls for, without moving anything below your head. Completely unnatural, right? It hurts just thinking about it! But sometimes, I get so caught up in the technical challenges of trying to play or sing something that my body gets out of sync with my mind. In a recent practice session with other improvising vocalists, I was soloing over a delicious sonic bed my compadres had laid down when I felt compelled to step and gesture while I sang. I decided to go with it, and you know what? It all felt like one perfect thing.

Walking in "The Land of I Don't Know"

2009-07-11T14:49:00.009-04:00

It can be scary to put aside one's assumptions that things operate according to, well, one's assumptions about the way things work. I'm going to try this for a little while: instead of relying on my trusty "go-to guy" up there in the left hemisphere, I am going to try encountering everything today in the spirit of "Wow. What is that?" and see what I notice.

I expect it won't be easy, if a recent dream is any indication. In the dream an ex-boyfriend, whom I think of as a philosopher and psychiatrist, is fighting his employer's judgment against him. He's about to be fired or fined, and he is trying to gather facts to make his case. The dreaming-I still feels attracted to him and does not trust that I wouldn't act on it (which would tempt disaster). Substitute "left, analyst brain" for "ex-boyfriend" and it seems that my analytical and practical side doesn't want to be fired. The truth is I like my left brain, I'm used to it, and it has served me quite well, thank you. Or has it? Lefty is also a stubborn bully who wants to set up an armed border patrol [see Margin Release]. So my experiment is to tip the scales in the other direction for a change. Just for now, Lefty. Just for a little while. ::wink, wink::

photo credit:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/sparkys/

Dreamboarding

2009-07-09T01:32:00.005-04:00

I've typically been a sensible person so I often have trouble dreaming, but I'm giving it a try and trust it'll get easier with practice. Let's just say I'm learning to kick caution to the curb and to give the other side of my brain a chance to stretch. The biggest surprise so far has been what happened when the pieces fell into their glued positions. Surprising relationships of ideas and images emerged. Is my subconscious trying to tell me something?

Margin Release

2009-07-08T20:15:00.000-04:00

It caught my attention at the flea market. Something about that repurposing of an obsolete machine spoke to me. As time marches on, fewer and fewer of us can count ourselves among those who have used a manual typewriter and know its particular quirks. I searched through the trays of jewelry, all embedded with recycled typewriter keys, wanting to find something that told a story. No, a simple letter wouldn't do. Who would know where that nugget came from? It would have to be @ and ¢ stacked, or 1/2 and 1/4.

And then I saw it. I've declared it my talisman. As I begin exploring the world of blogging, of following my inner creative urges, it urges me on. To color outside the lines. To let go of the bounds of old patterns. To be free.