Friday, October 9, 2009

The Joy Diet - Playing with desire



Genuine desire. Pick a pebble, any pebble. Twice this week, my desire had to do with being happy with myself. I know that sounds like a vague notion. I was facing a busy week returning to certain elements of my working life and artistic life after a quiet period spent introspectively. Partly, I didn't feel ready. It felt as if someone had gently nudged me from a soporific dream state and strapped me into the capsule of a rocket. And before I could prepare myself mentally and physically, the shuddering of the spacecraft provided the rude call to wake up and steer myself into orbit. My to-do list this week was long, including a couple of days dedicated to being out of town on business. Knowing that I’d lose two days to something that was not my heart’s desire made me anxious -- I would be missing out on time spent doing things I enjoy. The simple desire to be happy with myself was enough. I wanted to take action on my list without anxiety and self-flagellation.

When heading home from the two days spent out of town, my desire turned to something very elemental. I wanted time with my instrument. The yearning only intensified with days separated from any music making. No playing, no singing, no humming. I now realize I need music like I need air.

And then there was The Big One -- the desire so difficult to allow myself to have. Because it was always warned against, because it is completely impractical, because only silly dreamers can entertain the thought of making a living as an artist. I don’t want throw myself completely into trying to make it happen only to wind up proving the naysayers right. Also I’m afraid it is too much to ask, so I’m tempted to discard this pebble. But I won’t do it yet. I have a hunch I can benefit from spending more time keeping this one in my pocket, familiarizing myself with the ache of holding it. I want to conduct an experiment: let’s see what happens to this desire if I keep it close, if I resist the notion of tossing it back into the heap.

21 comments:

  1. you have some wonderful desires and I love how you express them

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  2. I like the whole pebble analogy......I must have somehow missed that in this chapter as I have heard others mention it too. I don't know HOW I could have?? Weird...but I did not even pick up on that part.

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  3. That it wonderful to love it so much. Even if you volunteer to play and have fun with others that is a start on you hearts desires. My daughter was asked to join an orchestra by her high school teacher. She declined. and I so wish she would have kept it in her life.

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  4. The pebble discussion is great! I look forward to hearing how you have accomplished your desires.

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  5. The typical "baby steps". Important is: Do not burry your dreams, this will break your heart.
    Thanks for sharing!

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  6. Great desires and you express them so well. Here's to you on your journey. Have a great week.

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  7. I love the thought "Let's see what happens if I keep it close." I am going to practice that as well.

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  8. I love that you are keeping the pebble in your pocket and not throwing it back on the heap. Throwing it back would signal giving up...keep that pebble/desire close to let the universe know your intention(s).

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  9. Beautifully spoken and very thought provoking. You've spent some time listening to your desire speak to you. As for the pebble you are putting in your pocket...do keep that for awhile...I think the ones we fear the most (those burning big desires) are often the ones that are calling out to us the most.

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  10. Keeping your pebble close is the first step, and how beautiful that you've awakened to that. All of life is a magnificent experiment... savor the moment of holding that dream, and I'd be willing to bet that authentic joy is just around the corner...

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  11. Lovely. I have a pebble or two I'm keeping in my pocket also!

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  12. Thanks for sharing your journey with desire this week. It is good to hear you are listening to your desires and not discarding them. I like the idea of holding on to the pebble.

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  13. Thank you so much for sharing that! It's so important to keep our big dreams alive and take small steps. Before we know it, we are living our dreams!! Hugs, Silke

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  14. I love how beautifully you articulate your desires. Thank you so much for sharing.

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  15. Don't throw out that pebble! No matter how long it stays in your pocket, it's a keeper.

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  16. Paint that pebble and wear it proudly on a chain near your heart. It is your heart's desire and may you achieve it! There is no earthly reason not to :)

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  17. I love the idea of keeping that pebble in your pocket for a while - it's such a great image for sitting with one's desire :)

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  18. I'm so delighted to hear you put this desire out in the world--the big one! I trust it will manifest perfectly in that true desire way...the way that Martha Beck says if it's true, it's not destructive. Woohoo!!

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  19. At first I thought the pebble analogy might be strange, especially if you end up carrying a bunch of rocks around. But I guess really we want our desires to have some weight and value - The Big One in particular - so you can remain aware that it's there. I do like the idea of (eventually) wearing it proudly on a chain. Polish it up and get it out there where everyone else can see so that what you desire is part of what people see when they look at you.

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  20. @@-->-->-- Helen,
    I wish you the best on your artist journey, my dear! ;) Your blog speaks of a subtle passion that builds and I adore that! It is a beautiful unraveling of all that we already are ;) simply remembering, and gaining confidence, then training for that opportunity to arise! ;) I am glad that you enjoy your instrument so much - music is so healing! ;) ~Sharmila

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  21. I add my wishes for you that you will be able to fulfill your heart's desire. One of my favorite quotes is Rumi's line: "Let the beauty you love be what you do. There are a hundred ways to kneel and kiss the ground."

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