Embracing what is

I haven't been posting to this blog lately, and it's because I've been overwhelmed by unexpected events. In mid-October, after a bout of recurring knee problems, I was shocked to find that the MRI results showed my ACL was completely torn. Cutting (haha) a long story short, this Monday I had knee surgery to reconstruct the ACL, as well as address the other problems with the menisci and cartilage. What I've experienced so far has been a journey in five days that may preview the challenges I'll be facing during the approximately six month long rehab period. It'll be months before I can dance in my red tango shoes again.

This morning I had a moment of frustration. It was brought on by the strain of having everything so newly difficult that once was so easy. Putting a sock on a straight-braced leg requires another person's help. Picking up something that's' more that two feet away on the floor takes a series of steps where it once was an easy reach and swipe. I looked at pictures from earlier this year, and saw myself in vibrant health and happiness, and it was difficult accept that I won't be in that state for a number of months yet. Lots of "glass half empty" thoughts.

And then, in tears this morning, I saw that the source of my pain was that rift, that gulf between my expectations and my reality. For this journey, for my own sanity, I need to come to terms with patience and with myself exactly as I am now. It requires that I kindly acknowledge my body has been through a significant procedure, and it needs care and time to heal. I want to pop up whole and completely healed, but that is not what is. I've talked to plenty of people about what to expect, doing my research before the surgery. Without exception, they all mentioned what a challenging personal growth lesson the rehab brought, with its slow, deliberate, pace. I can hardly believe that at five days into the process I already feel this impatience. I mean, really!

The week has been emotionally difficult at times, and simply physically exhausting at others, but there have been bright moments.

I'm grateful for my wonderful guy, who has been encouraging and supportive at every step, such as the excruciating slow and painful "walk" up to our apartment coming home from surgery.

I'm grateful I live on the 2nd floor of this building, not the 5th, as the elderly woman with a walker does.

I'm grateful for a skilled and kind surgeon, a great hospital nearby, and wonderfully helpful and caring staff at the hospital.

I'm grateful for the thorough, well-trained, and empathetic person who is my physical therapist.

I'm grateful for simple and effective, frozen H2O. Ice... ah, it is the ingredient I've found works best for controlling the swelling and pain.

Comfort food and time

What's comfort to me? Like lots of other people, I'm sure, comfort partly means food. When I'm feeling I need some TLC the food group at the top of the list is rice. Rice in many forms: mushroom risotto, congee with pork and thousand year egg, arroz con pollo, rice pudding. Second on the list? Chicken soup. I'm happy to enjoy the chicken soups of many cultures: my mom's Chinese herbal chicken soup, Salvadoran chicken soup with huge chunks of vegetables and fresh lime to squeeze over the fragrant broth, good old Jewish deli style chicken soup.

And the simplest, but also hardest, comfort to me? Time off. I've been working hard the past couple of weeks, and the greatest relief and comfort have come from those things I do with "time off." That's a funny phrase. It sounds like we can turn time off. Or that we can turn ourselves on and off. With pressures mounting I made sure to listen to the little voice inside, crying out for some time on the couch watching Dancing With the Stars, with my knitting in my lap. Resting. Without that I don't know how I would have had found energy for the next demanding day.

I'll have more time to stretch out in comfort this weekend, and here's what I might do with it:

• Take a walk and see the changing colors on autumn leaves
• Bake a fresh loaf of bread
• Sing an improvisation
  
• Dance in the living room
• Take a nap

I'm looking forward to surrounding myself with comfort. Enjoy what brings you happiness and join in the fun at The Happy Book book blogging group.

Tuning in to: I Love to Dance

This week for the Happy Book blogging group, we're picking songs that compel us to dance. Although it was fun to think about, I didn't have time this week to create an exhaustive list of my favorites, and I can't think of them until I hear them again anyway! Maybe some other people in the blogging group will help me remember a tune I love to dance to. And maybe this little list will remind someone else of a great dance tune.

May your bodies sway, shake and sashay!

Grateful for an artistic community

This week for the Happy Book blogging group we're focusing on who we'd like to thank. I feel immense gratitude to be in the company of a group of talented people who create beautiful work together. The amazing dancer/improviser/teacher, Mark Lamb, has created this wonderful monthly event. It was his vision, and it was built through the wonderful contributions of those inspired by that vision. Dancers, choreographers, improvisers, musicians, cooks, pastors, even a baby. The circle grows larger and larger, and the salons keep getting better and better! At the salon last Saturday, September 11, I witnessed this beautiful piece called "Peace Requiem." May we honor those who have passed, not by waging war but by cultivating peace and compassion in our hearts and in the world.

A fun scavenger hunt

photographs and music © 2010 Helen Yee, all rights reserved

My knee has been bothering me again, so I haven't been able to go out there and take pictures for the scavenger hunt. But you know what? I've got lots of pictures sitting in my computer, and this was a wonderful opportunity to go back through years of memories. That was just as fun!

How was your week? What did you notice makes you happy? Check out others' happy posts here.

Happy cycles

You can listen to my musical improvisation as you read this posti by clicking the play button below.



The Circle - improvisation
Helen Yee - throat singing and violin ©2010

A circle...
For the last ten weeks I've been a part of Jamie Ridler's group coaching telecircle, called Circe's Circle. It's with celebration and a touch of sadness that we now depart from this wonderful and supportive circle. The happy part of this experience is all I've accomplished and been awakened to in my own creative process during these weeks. When I began the circle, I knew I had a collaborative project to look forward to. But soon, another creative project landed and another opportunity to be profiled for a television segment arrived. My summer was launching to full tilt rather quickly. And the culmination of these events has been a joyful, artistically fulfilling, connecting experience. And so, the question hovers in my awareness, expectantly: What's next?

Continues...
As I mentioned last week, I want to explore what my own creations will be, outside of the ever-so-comfortable-for-me nest of creative collaboration. What will I create when left to my own devices? What will I be inspired by? What do I have inside me?

The beauty of beginning
I am continuing to explore, "If the word is love..." as a jumping off point for exploring my solo creative project. The music that accompanies this post is just that, one of my adventures in the land of solo improvisation. I'm happy to be digging through my bag of skills and tools, and tinkering with the possibilities. Possibilities. I like that word.

If the word is love...

You can listen to my musical excerpt while you read this post by clicking the play button below.



Magnolia Air - improvisation on F# drone
Helen Yee - violin ©2010

What a happy week this has been. Last Saturday was the opening of a play I collaborated on the music for, as well as a personal first in multi-discipline performance, a duet with Mark Lamb using my skills both old and new, in throat singing, violin playing, movement and text improvisation. The play is truly a collaborative work of art, and I've enjoyed performing the music for it along with my collaborator, musician and sound designer Matt O'Hare. My duet with Mark Lamb flowed well, was surprising, funny and real -- it was a performance high! It's such an honor to be working with such talented artists, and the collaborative process is one I love.

There is that thing that pulls at me a bit. What would happen if I were to create on my own? Can I do it? Do I have enough ideas, talent, focus, gumption, etc.?

For the past nine weeks I've enjoyed participating in the wonderful Jamie Ridler's group coaching, Circe's Circle. We're near the end of the ten-week session together and I have one more thing I want to explore and create, to truly feel like I've made good progress on my project of creating a body of work. That "thing" is to create my own work. Recently the word that keeps coming up for me is "love." Jamie asked us to take a look at how this can serve our project. How can love serve my project? This week, I've decided that I will just explore what I love and keep track of what happens. What opens things up for me? What ideas take hold of me?

Today's creation was inspired by magnolia. Last night, after our performance of the play, I had a slice of delicious cake from a bakery bearing that name. This morning I decided to just go with it, let the shuffle play choose my starting drone, and begin. There's no telling where this is going to lead me. Stay tuned...

A happy ride

I had the most wonderful cab ride yesterday morning. This is not something you hear much in New York City.

I left my apartment, struggling with an injured knee, using an umbrella as a makeshift cane. As I hobbled to the corner, I hoped I'd find a yellow cab with a credit card reader since I hadn't been able to visit a cash machine and was in no mood to limp to the nearest one. Happily, there was a cab already stopped near the corner, the cab driver finishing the last bites of a morning snack.

The cab was air-conditioned (what a blessing in the heat we've been enduring this summer!) and the cab driver's first question to me was "How are you this morning?" I lied, not wanting to burden a stranger with my physical struggles. "Good. Pretty good."

He asked what instrument I had with me, and that began a conversation that lifted my spirits. We talked about his daughter, studying to become a doctor, who used to play the violin. How he loved listening closely to her practicing. We talked about how the violin can just make you cry, as it so sensitively expresses emotion almost more purely than the human voice. We talked about the power of music to move the spirit. It was one of those moments where I felt honored to be a musician. I struggle periodically with the meaning and usefulness of making art. This morning I had no such burden. This beautiful conversation with a cab driver from Bangladesh started my day peacefully and happily.

Happy creating

Manon / Sandra @ FringeNYC

For the last week and a half I've been busy, really busy working on collaborating on the music for a play, opening August 14, to be mounted at the Fringe Fest in New York City. Although I'm feeling a bit exhausted, I'm also very happy. For me, showing up at the studio each day is a vastly more satisfying experience than showing up at an office every day. I get to shape music and sound in order to support characters and story. I get to take out some of my favorite toys: my violin, a microphone, a few electronic gadgets, and explore and play. I get to PLAY! It reminds me that even when I'm creating and composing on my own, experimentation and play are the best mind space to create from. As for collaboration, I'm thankful I have this opportunity to work with some amazing artists, all of such wonderfully high caliber.

I'll keep this posting short and sweet. The creative juices are flowing and I am really excited about this excellent production. I hope maybe some of you out there will be able to catch it.

How was your week? What did you notice makes you happy? Check out others' happy posts here.

Happy senses

Oh, there are many things brewing in my creative life, but for now I'll let them develop a bit before I share with you all. Having creative projects to work on definitely makes me happy. This morning on Skype video, my honey said it was great to see such a great smile on my face.

So my simple happinesses this week include:

• Fresh plums from the farmer's market - the yellow ones, the red ones, the orangey ones, all tasting subtly and delightly different
  
• Arranging a breakfast plate in a silly way to put a smile on my own face
  
• A bunch of fresh lavender stalks in a glass vase, so beautiful to look at and smell
  
• Loving the sound of my violin even more, ever since an expert worked his magic on it -- a series of tiny adjustments that added up to a whole lot of improvement

And with that violin sounding beautiful, it's time to create some music with it. Have a wonderful and happy week, fellow journeyers!

Check out others' happy posts here.

Happy for a taste of nature

A couple of simple, small things made me smile this week. When I squeezed honey into a bowl of homemade yogurt and store-bought cereal it made this pattern. Looks like a heart, doesn't it? I had to snap a photo of it.

The homemade yogurt is something I've just started doing. We're probably at about our sixth batch of the stuff, and it is miraculous, fresh, delicious. I'm always a little nervous before I lift the cover on the pot, after it has incubated for a number of hours. It has not failed yet. The wonderful organisms seem to go right on living and doing their thing. I save the last bit of yogurt of each batch to use as culture for the next, and so far it's been working like a yummy dream.





I am also looking forward to adding some fresh herbs to my cooking this summer. The pot of chives came from a friend, and the basil from the farmer's market. Happy, herby deliciousness is ours! I might be inspired to add to the collection on my future trips to the market.

Check out others' happy posts here.

Happy ingredients

I made my first trip to a local farmer's market at the northern end of Manhattan. I can't believe I've lived in this neighborhood for ten years without being aware of it. It's a welcome discovery that, on this trip, yielded fresh strawberries, eggs, delicious mushrooms, and garlic scapes. The vendor heard my plan to use the mushrooms and eggs for omelets and threw in a few squiggly garlic scapes for free. Thank you, thank you!

But what about all of this makes me happy? I want to notice more deeply what the ingredients of happy are. Exploration and discovery. Being outdoors on a beautiful day. My curiosity to look online for how to use garlic scapes. The simple enjoyment of delicious food. The visual beauty of fresh produce. The good clean feeling I get from knowing that my money is helping support local growers and a healthy environment. The sharing of a new experience with my honey. When I look underneath the surface of such a simple thing, and see that it yields so much happiness, it helps me know that there is plenty to go around if we just pay attention to it.

Let's try this exercise with the knitting. What makes me happy about knitting? The aesthetic joy of walking into a yarn shop filled with colorful and luscious yarns of different materials, and choosing from such a bounty. The soft, creature comfort of touching my chosen organic cotton yarn. The sense of adventure and discovery of looking online for some fun patterns. The self knowledge of recognizing my joy in challenging and stretching myself, learning new things, pushing myself to grow. The satisfaction of having tried something new and having it turn out lovely. The satisfaction of knowing that something I had wanted to experience but had previously assumed was too complicated (and therefore, scary) is now part of my life. I like making these little washcloths because each one gives me a chance, in quick succession, to enjoy these steps over and over again.

Maybe when we peek underneath the hood of these wonderful vehicles for happiness, we can discover its inner workings. What's inside your happiness?

Check out others' happy posts here.

Passing, a reminder to be happy

This week brought the horrible news of a childhood friend’s passing after a battle with cancer. While we were no longer close and I knew little about his private life, we stayed in touch twice a year when I visited his office for exams and cleanings.

In the call from his office a few nights ago, his assistant’s wind-up delivered a blow I wasn’t prepared for. For a moment before the conclusion of her fateful sentence, I imagined the call was about a postponed appointment because of his parent’s passing. But no, it was about my friend himself. He'd never told me he was fighting cancer.

He died too young. He was my age. It is a powerful reminder that our time on this planet, in this lifetime, is limited and therefore precious. I feel very sad for his family’s loss, disappointed that his children will no longer have their dad.

The news shook me, telling me again that life is not to be wasted. But what does that mean? Partly it shows me I must cherish all the moments of life – that I can truly soak in my journey and really pay attention to my fellow travelers and the beauty of the world around me, wherever I am. It reminds me I must pursue what is in my heart, and that I cannot put things off for some future day that may never come. It’s a message to live fully. To make courageous choices. To be in the present.

We shouldn’t need brutal reminders of mortality to make us pay attention to the sweetness of life. So, perhaps, that's the gift this weekly practice of observing and acknowledging happiness brings.

Let’s pay attention. What brought happiness to you this week?

Happy with flowers

Here it is! I am quite excited to have finished my very first knitting project. Although I have vague memories of knitting little 4 x 4 sampler squares in my youth, I never endeavored to follow a pattern to actually MAKE something specific. I finally listened to my heart, and then followed the message to completion of a tea cosy or tea cozy -- depending on what part of the English speaking world you hail from! I'm especially proud of myself for (re)learning to knit from the wealth of how-to videos on the web, and for finding a pattern on the web, and for having the guts to alter the pattern to fit a smaller teapot, and the guts for trying a whole bunch of new techniques that fell in the "someday I want to try" category. I am very happy with the results, and I joyfully gave it to my good, tea-drinking friend.

Funny, now that it's all done and I don't have an ongoing knitting project, I feel a sense of missing something. I no longer have a little bag to open up at the end of the day to knit another couple of rows. Have I stepped on the path of becoming a knitting addict? :)


What kind of flowers are these?

This week I went on a walk with a friend and the park was blooming everywhere we looked. In a way, I feel like things are starting to move in my life after the quiet, internal phase of winter. I got a couple of very interesting music gigs this week. Happy, happy for the chance to do what I love.


You can see what others are saying about what makes them happy at http://www.tnc-thehappybook.blogspot.com/

Walking happy

This week's happy included a nice, long walk in Central Park. We've been having a freakishly warm week here and the sunshine and the chance to walk around without a jacket on were irresistible. It is still very early in the season, so the trees were just starting to release tiny, tender leaves. I love the different shades of green in springtime.



The delight of children crowded around the giant soap bubbles made me smile. I stopped and took it all in, including the beautiful plaza around the fountain. No water yet, but it hardly diminished the beauty. I just miss the sounds of the fountain. I snapped some pictures and felt like a tourist in my own city.





And also this week, I finally gave in to the urge to start knitting. I didn't want to knit a scarf as my first project, and I couldn't think of anyone who really wants one, especially as the weather is warming. I found something I really WANT to make, and because it is a surprise for a friend I won't describe it.

Entering that yarn store and then leaving with the bag of goodies, I felt a surge of happiness. I was giving in to the urge I'd felt since December. The yarns were soft and a pleasure to touch, and all those colors! I showed the sales assistant the pattern so she could help me find the right yarns and needles, but I didn't tell her I'm a beginner. Suffice it to say, the project is not typically what one would choose for their first real knitting project. It involves circular knitting, crochet, and piecing parts together. No peeking! You'll see it when it's done.

Happy outlet

This photo is from my honey, who went to plug in his laptop computer and found three happy faces beaming at him from under the desk in his hotel room. His email made me smile, though thousands of miles away.

Here are some other "happy outlet" moments this week:

• Baking a loaf of whole wheat bread
• Making a delicious roasted squash soup
• Skype video so I can still see my honey even when he's away
• Beautiful sunny weather (after days of gray skies and rain)
• Seeing cool, inspiring, thought-provoking art at MOMA
• Having dinner with a close friend
  
• A sense-memory of playing in an inverted quartet (2 cellos, 1 viola, 1 violin)

At rehearsal with the trio yesterday we had a visitor who happens to be a cellist. She knew the song we were working on, so we all played it together. I was not prepared for the powerful sense-memory of hearing two cellos with a viola and violin. You see, for ten years I was part of just such a string quartet, Invert. For ten years my body and soul vibrated with that particular combination of sound frequencies. It was a powerful reminder to me of just how much music can evoke memories and emotions.

Happily there's no knead

One of my recent constants for happiness is homemade bread. If you've been anywhere near food websites in the past several years you have probably come across numerous discussions about the eye-opening, delicious and liberating technique for making bread. I tried it once, after seeing an article in the New York Times, and I've been hooked ever since. I'm hoping that the weather spends its nice, sweet time lingering in springtime before we're propelled into the it's-too-hot-to-turn-on-the-oven New York summer. It only means more loaves of delicious bread for us!

I had a rough day earlier this week, and you may guess what my honey suggested. He knows that making bread is good for my spirit. There is something simply calming and magical, and also deeply satisfying, about waiting for nature to do its thing. It soothes my mind to go to the kitchen and peer at the bowl to see how well the yeast is doing its work. And ah, the smell of that bread baking -- pure happiness that rivals cutting into that loaf and tasting the first slice.

If you're curious about it, just Google "Jim Lahey" and "No-knead bread." But be careful, you might become another among the legions of addicts.

Happy: lost and found

I feel like complaining about this week: about the nightmares that disturbed my sleep, about the travel problems that delayed my return home from a wonderful trip, about the travel that kept me away from home, about being in a van for seemingly endless hours, about a week that was uncomfortable and frustrating.

But this morning as I struggled to think about what happiness I could share from a difficult week, I realized that lacking the things that make one happy can help us see what those things are with greater clarity. My happy this week is a realization that the things that make me happy do follow a pattern. This week I missed:

1. the sounds, smells, tastes of the wonderful food my honey and I cook at home
2. the delicious sensation of dancing
3. the blissful freedom of improvising music
4. the warm comfort and happy silliness of being in my honey's presence
5. the feeling of connection and acceptance of being with cherished friends
6. the freedom of an unstructured day, making my own decisions about where I'm going to be and when

I think these things are the "staples" in my recipe for happiness. I might be reminded of more ingredients of happy as I think about it further, but I do believe these ingredients form the core of my happiness recipe. My relationships, food, dancing and art/creativity.

It's Friday, a rainy day in the city, the end of the week before I get to fully savor being back home and returning to the things I love. I began today with a rehearsal -- making music with my favorite trio mates. My mood instantly lifted in their companionship and our music-making. Lunch was a delicious homemade panini. My honey made a wonderful chai that filled our home with warming aromas. And this evening as I write, instead of traveling yet again to go to a birthday party, I'm staying home to savor some unstructured time for myself. I might even do a little dance.

Happily exploring a new town

My happy this week is a brief trip across the country to explore Boise, Idaho. Being a little whimsical while exploring public art, letting the kid in me express herself was a happy thing. The extra surprise was that my honey actually caught me in the act.

We also had a chance to do something new to both of us, snowshoeing. Being a city girl, I don't get to enjoy the great outdoors much. That desire made itself apparent in my most recent dreamboard, and wow, here I am with a few days to be in the great outdoors. With some borrowed gear, we headed to the mountains. Happy, happy!

One of those really satisfying days

I'm trying to collect and remember my happy moments. Sometimes they are such tiny little moments in the day, and sometimes they are a whole, really great day.

Wednesday was one of those really great days, that began with the trio playing live on the radio. We began with a wonderful drive up the Hudson River, taking in the beautiful snow covered trees along the way. Snow has a way of brightening up the drab barren trees, highlighting their forms and branches, giving the eyes some relief from shades of gray and brown. We played live in the studio and chatted with the host, RadmanX. Talking on the radio still makes me a little nervous, even if I was a radio dj in college! One of my favorite moments (besides playing music with my trio mates, which I love to do) was listening to Leanne deliver the Poetic Service Announcement. She was handed a book to choose from and recited a poem by Rumi, "Chickpea to Cook" as translated by Coleman Barks. Leanne and I love to share foodie adventures, both eating and cooking, so it seemed so apropos that she landed on that page. The broadcast is an hour long, but if you're interested you can go to Radio Active Lunch Hour to listen to Trio Tritticali's archived show.

After we got back to New York City the rest of the day involved eating good Thai food, taking a nap after that late lunch, discussing the Artist's Way chapter with Leanne, then heading out to hear Mahler's Third Symphony at Carnegie Hall, and then sublime eats at Yakitori Totto nearby. Food, friendship, music - in any order, it makes me happy!

You can see what others are saying about what makes them happy at http://www.tnc-thehappybook.blogspot.com/